tête-à-tête to banter

For somebody, very much interested in the mechanism of a concerted conversation, one thing keeps popping out of my head: is it a necessity to drag a "wage war movement"
whenever there is a rotting existence of silence? OR to induce spontaneity, brings along a pseudo topic that you can call an argument just to break the muted gap?
I really would like to appreciate the effort of your call, but on every occasion I RESPOND ACCORDINGLY on it, you always respond as if I am wide of the mark. Besides, if I am to defend myself, would just pile up my cons as a partner- since we never did have the same wavelength (and if ever, is a rare case). The question of why's and how's of my temperament is not the remedy to make me cognizant of my flaws. Yes, I do so admit. That to be able to stretch the dawning conclusion of this understanding, you talk of you becoming a martyr as if that is the only medication left for the recurring cancer of our conversations. At the same time, you keep on pointing me a finger that it's me who's keeping this mess up.
Finishing off the discourse early is not a negative means of prolonging this fight. But apparently, you have superimposed yet another meaning for my untimely resignment. The following day, that I felt at least ok, you slap me once again- as if I've done it all again. What do you want me to do? I have just tried all the possibilities.
Plus factor: I so thought you are to go out for errands, how come it's not the way things turned out today. As if it's a big deal to ask what your errand is that you're hiding it like a surreptitious act. And what a sudden plan of going out with family? I so thought your Saturdays are free.

when poverty strikes

its hard to imagine how. as soon as everything had fallen into place, the majority took their initial reactions as if we-will-be-on-this-till the-end. later in the day, you came to see them at ogle pointe blank; and for an act of concern, you suggest that a white flag is a must. its not enough that motivation is fired only by hopes and prayers. a 20-80 probability on the cons side is as much as necessary for a gamble.

i understand how exasperating it is. but nobody can fight an invisible/ perennial foe.

closet gays

isang uboderang sinungaling

may katulong kami na ang pangalan ay "beng" at sa di malamang dahilan, hindi namin mabuo ang kanyang totoong pangalan. kung di lang dahil sa papel de agencia na nakita sa drawer niya matapos siyang lumayas/ pinalayas, malamang she will be remembered as the certain "beng" as mom would have put it.

its a june 12 when she marked our calendars- immediate goodbye; na ginawan niya ng isang malakomedyang exit/ maladrama sa parte niya (maaksyon pa nga). a fight na almost "killing spree" na ang datign kung di pa naawat, sent her back home. and during the discussion "beng" told dad na kinakanti daw siya ng isang tibo (def.: inaasar). and this time it rose her temper. what started the fight was when this tomboy aka marlin, suddenly rushed for her inside the house. which she explained why she hurried home and look for some sort of weapon (read: pangsafeguard).
its mostly a verbal fight, in "beng's" part- panakot lang naman ang jack sa kamay at puro mura ang ginawa. marlin, on the other hand went out after she realized na pwede siyang makasuhan ng trespassing.
dad tried to pacify "beng's" anger for an hour and a half. at ang makapal na mukhang katulong, napaka OA na talga that she even kicked the car every time she felt that it would be the best moment to match with her cries. pinauwi siya ng crame asap, sabi ni tito, mainit na dugo ng kapitbahay sa kanya. kinailangan ng baranggay tanod para makumbinsi na umuwi na. at katulad ni mcarthur, she uttered: "babalikan ko siya..." - mga huling salita bago sumibat.

what made her the uboderang sinungaling?
- the fight between her and the tomboy ay dahil sa nabuking siya (bilang katulong) ng nagpakilala siya sa isang girl sa tapat ng bahay namin na may-ari ng bahay namin.... (kapal)
- when we're out of town, she once told some neighbors that she was dad's cousin.
- at ang pakilala niya sa counter boy sa mercury: nagwowork daw siya sa call center. (yan talga ang panalo- mukha pa lang di na papasa)
* im not judgemental, nor superficial. but she's just too much. aside from the fact that she's so comfortable inside the house she even tries to meddle in family affairs; had asked my brothers to work in the dishes whenever dad's away; and was always out- para dumaldal.

that's where my mom's pay for her go.

sana di bigo

iam a senior psych student with plans of going med. but as of the present moment a medicine dream seems to be shifting away from the way things are turning out: a mediocre mark from compara anat, mama leaving, and plus plus debits (this is where the privys come in).
for a parent under tights, will he be willing to pay a little over a million, wait for another half a decade just to see his daughter gleaming and getting ready for her 1st operation?

that i think won't do. (hoping that my hopes wont fall)

a month's hardwork, only equals a seat of mediocrity. and even if i have plucked and burned my eyebrows, its the only seat available. i always wonder how come those night stretches didn't span my success mark. and when will my efforts reach the fullest of the fullest?

summer really is a suspense thriller.

calle katorse

UNION

two in between eight equals equals equals
is multiplied by
parenthesis parenthesis parenthesis one (and only one) parenthesis parenthesis
parenthesis
means a bundle of challenges, joy and naught.

mathematically wrong but practically right.

slumber
recently, was out to study. ended up as a sober. totally wasted that is.
just another night of excuses.

*whoever played my camera was a total jerk.

badly needing a hug

and so you thought you're lucky you got a brain;
for 2 straight days of continuously memorizing the muscles, you see hope for a final exam exemption. you keep doin the rituals to keep you standing firm. and yet when the time has arrived, and you have called the gods, it did no good. that brain you've been relying with has totally failed.

and even if you have shifted to a different chapter of body system, you still cant move on. absent mindedly tearing that greater omassum to pieces and breaking the cat's jaws doesnt satisfy you to the bone. how come?

still keeping fingers crossed for exam results tomorrow.

how can you possibly write about a person you've loved for almost a year and a half? i can always say that he's one of the greatest person that has come in. i always ask if he's a product of time or just got my luck?i can also bombard the screen with cliched adjectives like he's the most loving, caring, generous, patient - anything that'd make him sound like the perfect boyfriend - and still accomplish nothing except maybe for sounding like a friendster testimonial gone horribly wrong. how can you possibly write about a person whose smallest, most insignificant details - like how he has got his scar on his chin, or how he throws jabs when angry or how his jaw drops when he sleeps - fascinate the life out of you? seriously, with only a thousand letters, how can you write about such a person? i honestly do not know.

its probably time whose gonna fill these all up.

shadow

past the crevices
and nearing the looming emptiness
never looking back
heart running faster than
your limbs do

pay a million times grand
for your life's insurance
a twin for your reserve-
with matching imprints
from thumb to basic strings

finite to infinity
where everything is
programable
back to zero

all attempts
doesnt pay
think you have outsmarted death?

fantasy. fallacy

narcissus

the summer solstice tragedy: when narcissus dipped into the water and has coveted thine self, selfish thinking has led to his end

how suicidal.

yet his flowers bloom. for millions grace his tragedy stripping naked, plus the drools and sweat. drag theirsselves into the waters and love its reflection.

such is the beauty.

@migs
yup there is.. (i think). but not in the sort of "on the rocks".

to avoid boat "rockin" its a 2 week rest.
god has rested on the 7th day, maybe ours need one too.

and migs- sobrang magiging busy talga ako for the next couple of weeks.
pwede na bang excuse yun?

nasty

there will always be pepo-le perv roundin the corner
with a click of the shutter, you might lose that privacy of yours
and theirs, a thousand gains

makeitclear

if life is a piece of boredom
then........shit- pee, shit- pee
round as
circle it goes

cut loops of and press brakes
or

try centrifuge- see the layers
afterall

its not always shit and pee

Ha? ako ba to?
i dont think so
--------------------------------------------------------------------

You scored as Mathematics. You should be a Math major! Like Pythagoras, you are analytical, rational, and when are always ready to tackle the problem head-on! Mathematics 92% English 92% Biology 92% Linguistics 75% Engineering 75% Philosophy 75% Psychology 75% Theater 67% Journalism 58% Art 50% Sociology 50% Dance 42% Chemistry 42% Anthropology 33% What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3) created with QuizFarm.com

outline

early summer getaway at zambales. sun had painted my limbs red. now suffering from sunburns.




*photo from l-r: helicopter island, a shot at the beach, me and daniel

311

it doesn't matter if you haven;t visited the showers. the old smell of your socks plus plus pheromones will surely be a key to lock some one else's chemoreceptors. and even if you have made some drama to resist the upcoming dread of being boxed again, its always a haunt.
a 400+ -- fast forwarded, sensuous crap and i love you's.
everyones a high.
for even the good deed of yours sometimes pay. and whatever it is, the one thing that will matter is that the grease seeps deep. your blood follows in the morning.
a blessed sign (?)

wacky!!!

sunday has never been a laughtrip. rj went with me to church!!! whoohooo!!! very unlikely. some shots. :)

*but he never seem to notice*

crippled

a glimpse of the past is cycling in the present.
3 cups of diluted caffeine equals an afternoon of palpitations.
an internal time machine has shifted me to the past.
i felt his weak ego projections..

i already killed him. in my dreams....
sad love story

- end of story -

kalyo kalyong paa

unang beses ko lang maglakad paikot ng mendiola. prusisyon na di ako kabilang. pumapel lang ako at nakieksena. pumasok sa bakod ng iba, ngunit hindi naman trumespass- salamat sa maagap na paghawak sa aking kamay at pagbibigay sa akin ng entrance ticket.
ang paghawak rin na iyon ang nagdala at nagikot sa akin paikot ng kalsada.

isang matalinhagang kwento ang prusisyon sa mendiola noong linggo. isang daang dasal at higit pa ang inalay kay sto. nino. isang hatak sa palad.

2 mahigpit na hawak.

few sips are fine

the moment you let your finger go, its just a matter of time before your whole body'll follow. and looking at the hourglass you just set in, the time's already over. someone has already fed on you. its a helpless case.
but on the contrary, [i am loving the idea that somebody has fed on me]

*this doesn't mean danger right?*

mouthfuls

isnt it tempting to eat a gallon of ice cream after that hhhhoooottttt friday evening? i am damn burning. a stick to swath then go. geez..

black eye is just a piece of cake

with things all piled up, black eyes do come in handy:
1.) lets you have an unquestioned excuse
2.) sorrow could be that superficial
3.) paint the world with that color on

plus plus! you dont get that market value to sell that burnt out face.

"sometimes you'll come to that point of empty handedness. with your mind driftin asea. and your stuffing the air as if panting. without exactly any cause at all."

shedding tears

i'll miss 2616...
the corner, the stained sheets, the sunsets, the cafe.

if not for the spoiler, the happy story wont actually end this fast. wishing the worst for him.
yesterday, i went with bry to check another place. not an outsider friendly.

*sob*

chasing pain away

good thing that my tooth cooperated. the idea of a dentist must have eased the pain away. the only thng to mind about is if it would last for tomorrow, the day after tomorrow... till eternity.

*sigh* i hope so.
p.s. bry's a little sicky today. bad bad bad.

it doesnt get any better. my molar hurts soooo bad. my mom told me that if the swelling continues even with medication, i hafta go and let the dentist check me up. i got a dentist phobia when the dentist started to drill holes in my molar a couple of years ago. it was actually an unfinished business since after the "drilling" he told me to visit him the next week. funny cauise until now (2 years later), im still avoiding "the clinic".

going back, after my mom told me about seeing the dentist, i immediately crossed fingers and say my prayers. (this unlikely happens).
if only pain channelling happens, then probably, its now the computer who'll be shitting the pain away.

gums

i got pain pangs 3 days ago near my parotid. at first it was tolerable but then after 2 days, it sorta grow into a humongous pain. and i ended sitting muted. im helpless as my right jaw grows bigger and bigger.

the swelling of my gum was the culprit.

my dormant wisdom tooth is again active. my jaws are painful. and i could only open my mouth 2 fingers wide. when eating, i have to stuff food in. geez.
i already popped a couple of pain relievers tonite.
still no good.

it is only when you peek, that you see the reflection of the one who's behind it all.

crumbs

when you have reached that point of seeing the entirety, a wisp of conclusion pops out of your head. a moment of silence. truth will whisper. and you'll end up to that pot accidentally. come to think of it, that naive head you've been hating has done you a glorious favor.

for some iincident, you end up laughing. while the other, is struck cluelessly.

tinkerbell

the slapping wind on her face
reminds her past
23 floors above

she likes playing little miss tinker bell
and for every leap, is another neverland and peter pan

and what remains of her:
a broken dustwand and
ashen butterfly wings

as she ogle at blankness...

a push from behind

made her bow. face flat

de' plea--t

18 wasnt the ripe time for me to be legal and so is 19. even if i have proven this to dad so many times, he is still deaf- wont even allow me to at least explore what is beyond.
the 19 years of my life has made me an experienced athlete of my race.

and though im impossible to almost everything, im trying the best. still hoping for your optimism regarding this matter. (with fingers crossed)

ps: im looking forward to this place with "no boundaries". where butterfly wings can make us fly higher than the sky.

psychsoc christmas party

hehe.. late na naman ako. got my first free time to at least upload some pics of psych soc's christmas party.
boy oh boy.. chrsitmas break starts.


which then reminds me, that i miss the old boys. particularly FABS!!!!!

tattooed
got so brain freezed. i did no good in my bio lab exam. and my throat hurts like a mother. good thing i got some mint to smell on. cold months like this leaves me all wet and slow. 2616 is a sure fire. just had a tattoo embedded on my chest. well not exactly the chest... looks more like a bruise than an art.

tattoo artist gone mad.
mark a dimple in thine chin.

tapered mouth

i never had the chance to at least take a peak and see the greenery of my canvas. enough if i'll say that ive been busy picking up pieces and slicing tadpoles. iam done with the usual recitation of structures starting from the prosencephalon to the anus.

which then gives me. not a break but a flu.

sepia

sight of spilled coffee.
mixture of solemn hues- of gray, brown and black
the color of a tired eye
weary color of a tired vintage fan
monroe and jfk; monroe's classic mole

the casket. the scare. a picture forgotten.
a lost life. a memory. a dimly lit room. shadows. mournings.
an unwritten parchment.
le photographie

for the love of sepia.

austerity

with juan still survivng against the jungial wave of poverty--his belt set on the 9th (the last) hole and his blanket a little less than an incubtor of warmth for his curling body. the minimalist, i guess, would just be another prophet for all of us to take the initiative to mark all our wallets and eat instant noodles. for some, the noodles still mean a fiesta, and instead eat a peso worth of crackers matched with a cup of rice. beggars by then may leave their street posts and flock wishing wells to reap coins endowed with hopes. hopes that would mean a thousand comet ages ere it happens. and the heads of offices i bet, will again come to compromise for another budget proposal with its credits pouring in their pockets. the last thing i know, a splurge for their necessitites cum luxuries.

masama lang talga ang loob ko sa crs. kahit yung nasa department walang magwa tungkol dito. tsk tsk.

maister

whoever keeps the babies alive. and whatever knot has been posted on the head. i do so understand that marital- premarital problems are all rooted under one mushroom. the ballooning population has forgotten charms of baby making. it is actually an evidence.

one thing i realized, better ready that imodium pills for a nice getaway.
that's a hairline close.
worry not on that slinky pet. a good rub will do.

may i just remind: to throw away excess alcohol before doing a good act.

payoff

it could be a nice massage, a tap in the back. but the best thing about getting a payoff, is visiting that crampy tub and have yourself a nice shower and little rides.. err, imagination. nevertheless, that one is considered a cheap thrill, or a ride of your life after a long day. no need to fan the bills and splurge. no need to hate that boy crazed in early birthday parties with all flowing beer and cheeses after every camera flashes.

iron that forehead as we get 5 M's counting since summer said goodbye.

multiply 13

leafing through pages of childhood, bittersweet memories of candies, and bubblegums, of writing in cursives and multiplication tables

dad with his angry gesture of counting, no fingers please.
only heads. brain cells counting in ones then hundreds and thousands; fingers were hiding as children tried to multiply 7 by 2

and when daddy sees... a thirteen is bore in the head
a slap in the butt, and a teardrop

give me 13 by 5--- i'll raise that to 65!
cheers.. asses out. AMEn

purple cockroach

there's nothing more to say with the homos. theyre a bunch of flying cockroaches that have pentrated the whole stretch of the blue green universe; have longer buttcracks and wider butt holes; do most of our hair edges and give us quality green jokes; talk to them for hours and find out who's the next victim of their lips asmeared in pink.

a survivor of their own cause. a mascot, brought by taboo, theyre funny oompah loompahs jumping up and down-

let somebody answer: how could you possibly put in all the tendencies of being a fe/male under just a purple raincoat... and again, how about hiding the weak tendencies if your to walk with a dangling red purse?


turn left, then right, head on till morning.. im looking forward for the sun faced baby to show up in between the hills.let him teach me how to lie on my back and laugh. make me talk like im reading a children storybook.

if ill have the chance to sneak this friday night for a must go party.. then all is well, got high doses of morale before i leave for culmi and drain it all the next day...

must do the "escapo" plans.. must also do the teletubby costume... must also finish the 115 paper...

i guess, i wanna play a sick fuck before i start to plan my vacation ahead.
my bday's not gonna come... i hate bday cakes and balloons... ill only remember that tragic shit last year..

for those hu wanna take a peek, the link is there. october--- pandora's box.

----------------------------------------------------------
im in a dilemma... whether to go or not to go med..
im sick... and alienated. i'd have enough frog corpses...

if fate says yes, then ill go and count some more bodies to open. animals or not.

fabs miss na kita

sabi ni hannah miss mo na daw ako?? talga? hehe... oo nga. sabi ni ate pag kagraduate daw niya papakasal na siya.. pinapaalala ko lang na just incase wla kang mahanap, yung usapan natin dati. tayo ang magpapakasal sa ayaw at sa gusto mo at sa gusto ko..

hehe...
bagong word: mwahness?

twoots

"twoot" and off the fart go. the smell of pressure, the smell of fear. well, probably another smell of a man unease. funny. little miss me, as i was in my kinder years have stopped my 123's and my abc's- came to hate that smell..

i smell fart. and someone would pretend and laugh. doubted to be
laughing gas. and for someone who just farted will be the next
laughing stock. haha. funny.

and for the nectared scent who claims to come clean off his ass. and will found out later that his undies are messed with the u know
thing..

oh, just remembered that somtimes humans tend to be the orangest thing they could get. pretending to be sweet yet sour.

tnx for the orangeclock. smells like fart i shant say. dont worry. that secret i wont tell. hu wud care to laugh by the way? skunky you!

DAS EXPERIMENT:TALAS SA PATALASTAS

september 16: tapos na
september 3rd week: abangan na lang baka magpost kami
september 27: 830-1 phan 307 a

note that all walk ins are pwede but not guaranteed. priority ang mga nag sign up. pero if di sila sumipot, then all is well hehe.

s hope
if this means for me to pay.. then again, ill allow myself to pull of some cash from my trust wallet and again see the changes. i have given this twice wrinkled in red. and some, just a pass by. for some unknown reason, there isnt any underlying attempts to cover up what has been mudpiled with. n times misinterpreted and what is given as a gift, ill later found with flies under the sewers. left to rot. and I...

have been oblivious to it all.

coz.. hard for me it is to avoid. i'm again one of the foolish hopefuls that will venture into another pseudo adventure. and just as i had stepped in the counter line, i again will empty my wallet and thrashed out the remaining pieces left. almost empty.
for that matter, allow me to pull off my ears and burn my eyes. i am again nothing. with nothing to sense with.
let me see the changes. and if not, better to have my antennas out. a relief that i wont see that red matter dumped sumwhere. or hear sighs and sympathies. ive got nothing more to trust. it'll take another more sunrises before i could raise bundles to put in my leather. and again to exchange with something not so really invaluable.

WHOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! BOOK 6 DOWN

it does look like im exaggerating on dumbledores death on rowling's sixth book... i never thought that i'll cry at his murder. too bad.
i pity harry.

and hogwarts.. i guess the next harry potter book wont start with harry getiing to excited to go back to school. this childrens book will be much darker i bet.

ATLAS
atlas has been carrying the world...
now i carry him for my next set of frog morphology to memorize.

tama bang sagot na spider shaped ang motor cells?? i mean tama bang ganun ang description or inaccurate yun?

atlas is not giving answers. spoon feeding.

funny, im looking at his green thin book..
about frogs?? hu cares anyway. im done with my lab work and im off to bed. whew!

PAGKILOS

tinuldukan ng pagsulyap ng buwan ang umaga
rumaragasang gumulong sa mga palad ang mga barya
at muling binawain ng saplot ang pangangatawan
naghumindik ang haria
t tuluyang pinasok ang hiwa sa pagitan ng mga hita

malapit na! MALAPIT NA!

nagbiyahe ang pangalawang kamay sa mga numero
Heto na!at tuluyang bumaba ang mga anghel mula sa langit
namilog ang dugo sa loob ng sinapunan nagimbal ang mamang nagtitinda ng lumpia
at dali daling lumapag ang dala dalang bilao sa semento
umihip ang hangin at kumarera sa pagtibok ang puso at pulso

may buhay! may sanggol sa basura

nadagdagang ang dumudura ng laway sa lansangan
ang dating bata,tuluyang naging binata
ang dating inosente
binihisan ng kalye
humagibis ang buhay kasabay ng paghagibis ng metakl;
lumipad ang matatayog na pangarap sa kalawakan
lumangoy ang limpak limpak na salapi
sa karagatan at
lumapat ang pinaghalu halong laway
sa mga lansangan

nakakstress

may exam pa ko sa math and 115. panu na kaya yun na makakausap at malalakad ko na ang venue ng rummage sale ng org namen?
nakakstress pala talga ang rummage. sana lang malaki kitain ng org namin..

suzie at ako ang projects heads kapal talga ng mukha ko makisali. ayan nahirapan pa... ok lang.
gudluck sa tin suzie!
go fincom!

stucked

so... tired yet my mind sends fritters of signals for my hand to type nothng.. i dont have anything in mind to talk about. a blank and nothingness... my eyes are glued on this monitor with flashing lights and my heads in circles...

my hairs moist with sweat trickling down my nape...
beside me are piles of books waiting to be read.
my papers are flying; some are scattered on the floor

some people need a rest in peace..
i wsh angels would give me a drink of tranquilizer. i wanna close my eyes and shut myself entirely...

----blank mind works slow----

sigh

long weya to go:
still have a bio lab exam
a math 100 exam
a takehome test in 150
a 115 exam
a revised rrl
a reaction paper

ughh.. im tired. i need massage.

i hafta attnd org stops: buddy date. do the usual tambay hours with buddies.
tnx bry for the company... haha. as always. i know your doors up to the 26th and its wide open. yahooo!!

damn so tired. bed bed bed

single is happy

and so i thought that being alone is impossible for me..
i saw him again. were supposed to be the best buddies that he promised us to be after the incident.. unfortunately, i know that promises are meant to be broken. as i have anticipated, it never came... yea, i did saw him and my hand acknowldege him.. i was with a friend discussing a difficult math problem. and i saw in my peripherals that he glanced back... i know he will. im done with myself on my knees.. ewww.
so far, im flying high with my superfriend.. he's by far the closest in my bubble.. happy.. not rushing on things.
"emotion is fleeting"-- a note always posted at the back of my head... and so i know
happy to be single...

tapos na ang rrl ko, panalo ulit ang up at 2-0 na siya! mahusay. mukhang friends na kami ni kitkat dahil sa problema niya kay eric! gusto ko tuloy magparequest ng buddy.
haha...

mukhang pahinga ang weekend ko.

scruppling over pages and pages... tired eyes... a filled up mind.. a floating brain swimming with infos and toxicities... i miss bed. i miss sleeping.
i thought journals will be over. but after submitting my 7 page rrl, my prof. toold me that it was too short to be a review. so she gave the whole class another extension --- friday. omg... how am ii suppose to focs on other subjects if this class gives me loads of stuff to do...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
theres still my math hanging in the air-- my exam was a rush.. i was late. and my teacher almost threw his butts off after i told him that i was rescheduling myself to exam in another batch whcich is only for those in conflict. and i, being late, must deal with the consequences . but no can do... he pitied me for being so dumb and disorieted. allowed me to take my exams.. haha.. and im proud that i finished first in class. an hour and a quarter. really fast for a math.
as of now... still struggling for my 115.. my eyes are pretty heavy and i dreamt of sleeping.. books sometimes serve as pillows for the head. ughhh.. i hate journals. i hate write ups..

let friday come fast.. i wish this over.

masamang balita

dextro scolio ang tawag sa sakit ko ngayon. its a mild scolio caused by improoper posture... and now, that i have been diagnosed with such a case, i'm still thinking as to why it had my back. would i be crippling?? haha.. or im just exaggerating so much on this...
i just hate s-shaped backs. now that it hit me...
i hate myself.

sorry. just a health buff.. health freak..
swimming daw ang katapat.

slip in pink

a- gent dressed in hot P
skirt with frills,
a bag that glitts
his hair in a P wig..

underneath, was a sleeping bud
and bushy slabs...
uh oh.

taught he was a she. until
i found out
he was hot in those PEes...
haha..

head, books, nigthinngales

after a month of school, i felt tired. having frequent headaches and blurring vision. i lost my glasses and have no plans of buying another one. i always read with my magnifying lenses though.. how stoopid.
i got no more free days to while myself in malls. but only freedays to scrupple on my books. or, sit myself in the library for hours doin exercises that callouses my fingers and leave my hand trembling. then my hand would dissociate and join its pain leaving me numb of it....

but that doesnt matter. i still spill ink and do cursives.. they serve me importance. now. and probably in my future.. they're my fallback.
notes come in handy...
mines not neat.

with regards to my book, i'm tearing them page by poage now. absorbing infos... data overload.. now i know why my head hurts...
its the nightinggale screaming at the back of my head..

2000 decibels?? ddear i,m deaf
but no can do... he loves screaming at me...

for the man who pains... so do i.

a thousand slaps, a bruised back...
salined eyes... and a beating
heart..

months have passed since i gave
the burden for you to carry.. i
know the past months have been
to weary for you to keep on. but
still you held your calloused
hands on mine...

what's the pain if it would
release immeasurable butterflies
and rainbows if red arched lips would be the
only answer in every questions
yet to be answered...

what is pain if there is love... a
lot of it..

you have believeth.. though
blinded.
yet, faith has lead you.
i know..time will let me nderstand...

still trying.

as for yourthousand slaps, a bruised back...
salined eyes... and a beating
heart..
i'm really sorry.. i really do

KONEKSIYON

Malamig
----may makapal na ulap sa kaibuturan ng laman, maliliit na karayom na nananatiling nakatusok sa balat--- hindi ginabayan ng tsinung mahusay sa acupuncture
----tumatagos hanggang kalamnan

malalim
----ang lawak ng dagat Pasipiko malabong marating kahti habambuhay sisirin
----ang bangin na pinagdiskargahan ng tren at sino man ang magtangkang tumahak ay mababalot ng ‘di inaasahang kaba at mabilis na pintig ng puso
----sukat ng balong kinahulugan ng baryang kinasasakyan ng hiling ni Nene

sugat
---- sa paglipas ng mga araw, iitim ang kulay at ang hapdi na sa una’y damang dama, ay matutuyo at malilimutan
---- ngunit kung itoy isang nakakubliing patalim na nakaturok sa kailaliman ng buto ng panahon- walang pag asang maghilom

kalungkutan
---- bangkay na nakararamdam ng kanyang pagkakahimlay sa madilim na higaan
----nagdudulot ng pagtulo ng luha at taong inalipusta at pinili nilublob ang mukha at inapakan
----hindi nakikita ng mga taong dumaraan; simpatya ng matino sa osiptal ng mga hibang
----panaka-nakang hihiling na matapos na ang buhay na kinaiingitan ng mga maligning gala

pag-iisa
---- resulta ng mga pinagsama samang salita
---- halo halong ideya sa bawat talata

i said goodbye to my old computer and welcomed the new one with flying pices of paper everywhere and dusty desktop for her to sit on...
i missed typing and downloading dirrrrrrrrrrty stuffs

and now i'm back. although not that long....
i've got a chunky breakdown in my 17 unit semester
5-5-4-3

so, gudluck to me...
and oh... to my new comp as well... he'll serve me for the rest of my papers

and drink caffeine and share my secrets...
my old comp took my arts..

as for now, i dnt have the urge to re type
START OF THE SHOW
again..

pamamaalam sa summer

at natapos ko na ang 20 page paper ko, 68 porsiyento sa natsci 1 (ampanget), at isang 38 percent na exam 30 minutes from now???
wala pa kong tulog..

kape lang sa umaga

Summah sa Kick off!

ngayon lang ako nakapag post for some kick off pics... ehem... saya. :)
di ako nangitim...
and, matagal na pala eto, last may 8 pa.

mukhang magiging malaki ang pikchur paraa sa blog... matitiwang wang muna ang picure namin ni ate...

trese

with my pink stretchy top and pink slippers, i'm on my way to school. to attend my summer and get myself laid with a bottle of c2 and swimming brain cells.

swimming brain cells. and a stimulation of my pleasure center.

a trese. nice to know the date. i got myself tired of planning to rode him around the metro. and deliver chains of cues and i do's that would lead him 1 step closer to the eternity. haha...
good that i got tired.

if not for those pink wardrobes i wore.. i won't remember to pay my respects.
a trese...
i was taken away.

i know he wont say a thing.. so do i. ryt?
prefers to be low profile i should say. i love it.
cool.

past dillema

its been almost a year. 8 months to be exact when i weighed on my past dillema. ofwhether to love again or not. to end my mourining and accept this foolishness. and to believe that my infatuation is a dream come true.
or to choose another better (well i thought that he really was). but instead met up with a crash and fall. of which i didnt cry.
tsk fate... fate...
who am i to mock such a pseudo god. a so called divine interferer.

and now, he called again. if i still hold on to what i promised that i will wait for his call, maybe now, i've been to the stars because of the elating feeling after a long wait. but i chose to be happier to leave the post just like in my past. and his call did no effect even a single hair stand.

foolish past... it was a rotting experience.
how his image studded with sugar crystals turned into a horror poster hanging in my wall. stuck inside my brain.
he is my screaming prince and i am the sleeping princess.

ive got my ear plugs stucked in my ears.. cant hear him..

for the not so addict

there's a post inviting those people hu whsih to experience some ultimate heart to heart talk about improving their blogs stuffs....
well just in case your interested.
posted at the famous as walk.

who the hell cares.

at kaano ano ko ba yung pokpok sa kanto

kapatid ko siya simula pa lang
nung asa sinapupunan pa kami
ni dakilang ina

humiwalay para galugarin ang
sinasabi niyang mundo

sa likod ng mga naglalagkitang
katawan..
at mga nagtitigasang...

ewan

at ngayon, may isng sit sit sa kin
mula sa likod..
magtatanong kung nasan na ang pokpok
na nagtatago samay likod ng poste
ng bahay namin

aakalain ba naman na ako yun.
isa pang sit sit jan...
tawag ng laman. tawag ng ahas

some posero stuff

got some "cool" kuno class mate in my natsci class. shes dressed in a rainbow colored palda. matched with a black top. of course with her famous chucks as her foot gear...
where to sho0w girl... top it with some braided accessories from whoevers closet.
hahaa.. i really wanna laugh. but for some stupid girl, well i dont think it would be appropriate to address her with tons of laughter.

some mere consideration on her part... well that sows. does it?
btw, she did have colorful nail to match her palda. before i forget. and her notebok is a screaming che guevarra.
hehehee...

stealing some minutes

i'm on my way to fecth her

i gently placed my hand on my mother's neck. from there, would know how much my mother have gained. little fats have been storing its way up to its neck... i will miss my mom. i know this is an early goodbye for her that she would be leaving this july to attend to my lola and to attend my family's future abroad...

2 years would be that long. and i know my dad would just be an isolated old man during this tym. waiting for all of us to follow her. probably opening his daily bread and bible everyday. looking for the proper signs that would mark the end of the world. and wonder if our family will again be reunited

anyway, iafter i placed my hand around her neck, my mom twitched. funny to see how an old lady show some reflexes that i usually see for those tryingto do head jerking--- epilepsy maneuvers...
i would sped the rest of this two months spending my home bound with her...

ma.... internet muna ako..

i'm stealing a coupla minutes just trying to spill this. why?
dont ask me... its just weird to see my mom go...

she's the only groovy mama in the world.
my big bertha.

dead brain cells and counting

in a years time, i have produced hundreds of brain trash and not so much of an important stuff, published for a good imaginary show that would tickle my palate (well, that's for my part)
yes, everyones got their own story to tell. probably, even the so called crying hours and the screaming dramas everyone did encounter. they may seem so pathetic but yet, all we need is just to look at them as if they a comic.

tryiong to laugh it all out, the present me--- now trying tyo rise from the embers of depression. i may have fooled people for my pretensions of contentment and happiness. everybody has their own way of defining it. mines a little more complicated in that matter. a fusion of two independt bodies would just lead to another chaos if forced together.
welll.... but at least, my make believe of pretenions has been so effective.. a reality covered with candies --- fanatsy.

this BOG- a home for my weird thoughts and dreams. with which i humbly present to the audience of virtuality, i've come to love more. i may not be leaving it entirely for every one of us. but at least, this makes a mark for us to move on. no, i will not and will never leave this. which as a matter of fact, i regarded so highly--- a treasure.
this has been my little neverland.

an indefinite leave. no spparent reason, whatsoever. its a foolishness to mark myself without really nothing behind it. i just needed a big break. because i've known my priorities and continue to build whatever dreams i had put in mind.
i just needed a break... a big one.
a rehabilitation for my slow brain. seems like it has reached his optimal learning. asymptote.... or i have reached the advance stage of the overlearning. and no more conncetions are being made. whatever.
indeed, i'm eaten up by a idled force. and i long again to write. with power. once again to move or twitch even just a single soul.
i've got the so called reinforced thinking because of thsi....
um...

yet, my reinforcer has long been gone....
this is my doom, but little by lttle, got the hang of it though.

----needing some stimulations -- could either be a shock or some conditioned neutral stimuli----

aprils fool

with avrils baby headbanging, i dont see why such people would flock to the concert area and give her a try...did simple plan stuck themselves up?
i guess they did. funny. nobody said a word after their visit?
or was it a visit? stoopid past time.

note: NOT an avid listener of music.. any genre.

tsk... o wel, just giving in to the demands of some old band felllas, dont have time to speak up?
well, at least i do.
got my computer crashed by the way...
fuck

the cleansing

i deserve some cleansing. like christ being nailed, i cramped myself
up. ready to face the travel in the living purgatorio. i know, i will
never meet the saints and other known people of the time. i have my own
route in this mountain. trudging alongside it, climbing up till my feet
touched the cold soil at the peak and kiss the clouds till my mouth
starts to damp.

its like kissing the godds.

the cold would seep in my lungs, breathe in me life. life without
warmth. alveolis gasping for air would explode and leabve red marks
inside my torso. my lips would turn pale and dead. my eyes would be
left staring blank.
this is my cleansing. to shut myself from the world. leaving me null
and devoid. no meaning. no self.
i am left to eat the dead man on the cross.
somehow, i have reached the golgotha.
ill bring to you the pain of my sufferings--chipped nails and a

bleeding heart.

after the splendor of going up, my time ends with a fall.
and my bones break, skull shattered, brain splattered.

toxic toxic

acads nayan.. gumagawa tuloy ako ng papel.. problemado na ko. hanggang next week pa to eh..

do i give a good feeling to a person who calls me up the first thing in the morning to ask me how's your day?? regardless of the dried saliva in his lips and an empty stomach?
even when i am not in the mood to talk but still he persist to enter my bubble and still keeps up with my not in the good mood to talk attitude??

i am still wodeering how such a person could bear the feeling of me being a day monster because of heavy toxics that fills my brain..
and oh, a cluster of acads that are hanging in the air waiting to be noticed.

god, iam smiling..

a story

isang kwento ng kaibigan
love story --- ako, disillusoined pa rin?? haha
(written from the girl's pov)

mag eendup ba ko sayo pare?mukha nga. pinangarap ko yan. sobra. kahit na alam kong may gusto kang iba at sobrang perv mo. tang inang kwento yan tungkol kay sarah. ibinalita mo sa kin na pupunta kang up para ibigay mo sa kin yung chocnut ko nung valentines tapos malaman laman ko lang na di pala yun totoo. na paasa lang pala.
o wel noel.
hindi mo pala talga plano na imit up ako. intro mo pala yun para makwento mo ung last gimick mo wid dis sara.

tang inang sara yan. bat mo minahal? eh mukha namang player eh. sa mga kwento mo sa kanya. alam mo na ngang may bf pero bakit ka pa rin pumapayag na magkita kayo. tapos sa kin mo ibubuhos ang paglilitanya mo sa kanya. nainis pa ko nung nagbigay ka pala ng roses at swiss chocolates dun nung valentines (kala ko chocnut).
hinuhuli mo lang talga ako. wel di ako pahuli.

kahit na nadulas ako ng sabihin ko na ok lang manligaw ngbabae. natawa ka pa nga eh. kasi parang may cue ka na. tinanong mo panga sa kin kung liligawan ba kita
sabi ko naman bat hindi kapag natripan kita... hehe.. obvious ba?

indirectly ko naman nasasabi sayo na talgang may gusto ako sayo eh. kahit na kapag magkausap tayo, sinasalpakan mo lang ako ng mga law books mo habang ako nakikinig ng mga corpo stuff from you. di na komashadong nagaaral para samahan ka lang hanggang mag umaga. kahit na gusto mo na kong patulugin.
kunsabagay, parehas tayong maliit. di na tayo lalaki PARE. matanda na tayo parehas.

at kapag gutom na ko, at nakukuwento ko sayo yun halos pagalitan mo pa ko para lang kumain ako. natuwa naman ako nung sinabi mo na kung walang pag kain sa min, dadayuhin mo patalga ang qc para lang ipatikim mo sa kin ang nilaga na specialty mo. kahit na galing ka pa sa may laguna.
"PARE hindi ka ok." sabi mo
"PARE ok lang ako" sabi ko
ok lang talga. khit gutumin na ko kakahintay lang na kausapin mo ko habang nagaaral ka. parang ilove you na rin ang mga section at article na binabasa mo. iniimagine ko na.

one time tinawagan mo ko, nasa party ka ng isang friend mo. umiinom ka na naman. akala ko ba magpapayat ka na? laki laki ng beer belly mo nag pa registerka pa sa fitnes first para lang iwork out mo yang tabs mo. tapos tatawag ka para magkwneto ng heart ache. sinisira mo naman yun mood ko. kung alam mo lang. feel ko na rin na saluhan ka para ako rin malsing tapos magsasalita na rin ako ng problema ko sayo.
dinayo pa kita sa motel para alalayan ka pag uwi. dinala ko pa isa kong friend para idrive ka pauwi. naiwan tuloy yung saskyan mo dun. nagalit ka pa sakin. kasi coding yun the next day atdi mo magagamit. at icocommute mo nalang ang sarili mo.
sorry ha.. tae ng mundo eh.
taeako sa tabi mo.parating lalabas pag kelangan lumabas. kahit na pigilan mo pa.

iniyakan mo pala yung sara nung gabi. kasi di ka na naman niya sinipot. gudbye to her kana sabi mo.
ang saya ko nun. hehe...parati na kita mkakasama. lalo na't parehas na tayong magququit sa paninigarilyo. parehas na tayo magpapayat. parehas na tayo palagi.

at nugn isang gabi naginvi ako sa ym. inaabangan kita. kaso mukhag wala ka dun. so last resort na ang mag status ng available. test na ito. sana andito ka...

BUZZ
shet nagbuzz ka. at invi ka. bago yun. tinanong kita kungbat ka invi. sabi mo para abangan si sara.
shet. nag invi para kay sara. parehas pala tayong stalker. ako sayo, ikaw kay sara. napak one way naman.
di man lang tayo nag mit. kala ko ba tapos ka na dun?

buti na lang walayung sara. kaso kahit na wala siya, ganun pa rin eh. pinagkaiba nga lang, eh tayo ang magkausap. pero si sara pa rin ang isue. gusto ko na salpakan ng libro yang bunganga mo bakla ka na talga sa babaeng yun.

bigla mo pang tinype na lulutuan mo ko ng mga pagkain pag nagtambay tayo sa bahay niyo. tinyp mo pa talga. paisa isa pa. nakakatwa talga. parang nangaakit. kaso naaalala ko lang nagawa mo na rin yan kay sara. inaya mo na rin kumain sa haus niyo. patikman ng specialty mo.

ginagago mo naman ako eh..

kahapon nag field trip ako. binilhan kita ng souvenir. magugutuhan mo yun. mahilig ka sa mga ganun eh.
binanggit ko pa sayo yun sa phone.
"i've got something for you" sabi ko
"talga?? ako rin eh" sabi mo.
"ano?"
"CD. pakinggan mo ha?"

putsa hanggang ngayon pa ba naman di pa rin niya alam na wala akng hilig sa lovesongs. tang ina. sakitan ba ito. sige its the thought that counts naman eh.

di ba si sara yung mahilg sa love songs??
nakaksakit din pala yung simple thoguht noh?
fuck

drilling holes

ive got a developing hole in my tummy. peptic ulcer daw sabi ni mommy. or hyperacidity. whatever. hell cares anyway. they would open up another space to feed the serpents with fresh meat.
masarap palang patayin unti unti sarili mo. lalo na pag anjan yung pain. as for my part lumalakas yung pain threshold ko. adik na ata ako.
i can spend the whole day without eating. kahit alam kong masarap maging glutton.

tababoy na raw ako...

i also got anoher hole sa may palate. singaw.... laki. ewan parang kabuting biglang sumulpot. sobrang sakit talga. i spent the whole day yesterday na parang may lisp pag nagsasalita... tapos dry lips pa..
so....

profile for the whole week:
(silencio)

san akO??

eto ang isa sa mga pics na nahagilap ko sa friendster (c/o abi).. mga tunay na kaibigan. we'll start anew in up --- kinakanta pa namin ni abi nung mga 4th year pa kami. excited na pumasok sa primiyadong unibersidad.. at ako? di ko alam ang kinahinatnan..
nasirang samahan?? di ah??
nawalay lang sa lecheng pag - aacads.. at oo nga, ISTRICT ANG PARENTS KO
tang na, ang gwapo ng isang lalaki jan

walang kokontra.

FABS, ingat ka

hehe totoo to. paano, kahapon pnuntahan ako ni fabs sa class ko sa p6 para umupo ng less than a minute tapos umalis din. napaisip tuloy ako. feeling ko, mamatay na ang dakilang kaibigan ko. mamiss ko na murahan natin. tsaka mamimiss ko yung ginawa nating eksena sa cr nun..

PUTA ba ako?? gago ka talga fabs.
basta ingat ka.. kukunin ka na ata ni LORD eh..

"pangarap ko pong maging doktor"

bata pa ko nun. sa isang sulok ng er sa ortho. ang isang pa check up ko sa ulo kong bumagsak sa slide ay nauwi sa pagbuo ko ng pangarap...

katabi ko si tatay. parehas naming pinanonood ang pashenteng natusok ng salamin sa mata. dumating na ang duktor kasama ang mga kapanalig niya sa mediko. parang si father at mga sisters. sinaasagip ang isang kaluluwang wala sa diyos. mabango ang holy water---anaesthesia, pantanggal ng sakit. pampamanhid.

kaya nga pangarap kong maging doktor eh. masarap pumirma sa papel na kalakip ang md sa dulo ng pangalan mo. isang magulong sulat na malamang, ay uuisain pa ng pharmaceutika para maibigay ang reseta sa pashente. masarap magbukas ng laman, pindot pindotin ito na parang mamakyaw ng baboy sa palengke, mamimili ng saiwang laman para iulam.
masaarp maghain para sa lahat. maarap maglingkod.
hayagang paglilingkod o isang masokista??

2 taon na lang, kung hindi ko mabagsak ang kinukuha kong pisika, tutuntong na ko sa ospital, magsusuot ng puti at magpapanggap ng magaling sa medisina. di malayong mangyari yun. ngayon pang naaalala ko na naman ang senaryo sa emergency room mahigit 10 taon na ang nakakaraan. tabunan man ng ilang lcture mula elementrya hanggang kolhiyo, pirmado pa rin akong tatayo sa gusto kong larangan.

danasin ko man ang pait ng hiwalayan ng pagshohota at ilang pagpupulot ng basag na sarili
idagdag mo pa ang walang katapuang pagbubuo ng paulit ulit na pangrap dahil sa mga nabasag na samahan.

"pangrap kong maging doktor"
at nangangati na ang mga daliri ko pra mabuksan ang pinakaunang bangkay na
pagaaralan ko.

valentayms day

this year... i wont think of my self as the highlight of a guys life. rather, it would be pleasant if i would enjoy the day spending it with someone i know i can be wat i am with no pretensions.
that this valentyns, it would not be for my heart to beat a dozen times or so, but just to make the maost out of the whole day. i may not have the other pair of my heart to shower the world with the the ray of reds and falling rose petals; or even kiss till our lips intertwine and be another part of him.. ia may not have that fantasy for this seaason..

valentyms is just for me.. to be happy.

and make my mom happy. she already got her pair. long before i was born.
i gifted my mom with flowersa and a gift certificate at some restaurant; never greeted my dad coz sooner, he would fire me some few announcements/ alerts --- "anak be careful.. todays valentyns day"..

so what?? probably, he would be thinking that his little girl would be banging her ass with some guy at a cheap motel. or drink and puff some weed for the yearnings of her lungs and tummy..
papa's a total paranoid lately..
good idea to buy mom that gift certificate. stuff his mouth with food. i dont wanna hear from him talking bout such craps..
i'm not in that mood.

it was actually a wholesome day. no roses or whatsoever sweet stuff. except for 2 slices of cake a friend of mine gave me. i did receive some sort of a love letter enveloped in pink and sprayed with that asweet smeeling scent of what i think are berries..
(a 101 things why i love....) --- very dramatic.. yeah, sweet. no need for chocolates.

---a date at rodics an order of tapsilog...
i dint eat, i starved myself.
---a date at greenbelt (i watched the phantom)
and a double shot of espresso to soothe my nerves.... and to make my heart pulpitate

talk about fast beatings... desperately in need for love. haha. FOOLISH

kamayan

sige san ko ba nakuha ang sakit nato. ll i know is that nakiparty lang ako sa org ko at uminom... di naman din ganun karami. pero at least nakapagenjoy..
inenjoy ko ang isang taon kong wala na siya..
SERIOUS?!
hehe.. ewan. basta wala na lang akong icocomment.. nakaktawa lang kasi igh school people pa rin ng iba sa tin... kitang kita ko sila holding hands pa. eh ako?? kung kani kanino ko na sinuot ng kamay kko hoping to find the one na sasakto sa mga siwang ng aking daliri.
shempre kasya naman lahat.. maliit lang mga palad ko... ang di ko lang maintinihan
eh sa dami na ng nakadaupang pald ko, eh wala man lang nakaisip na maglagay ng glue para pumirmi na ang mga kamay ko sa kamay niya..

nabasa ko ang post ni beya sa blog niya.. masarap ang mainit na palad. tama n ito para sa malamig kong pakiramdam. sumusot at pinalalambot ang bawat kasulosulokan ng pgkatao ko. pinangarap ko na nga minsan na maging water vapor na lang ako. para at least mklipad ako sa langit at maabot ng mga ulap.
ngayon, magkasama na lang ang mga kamay ko parati.. kapag pakiramdam ko na makipagholding hands, eto at naririto namn ang isang kamay ko para hawakan ang nangungulila kong kabila. di nga lang ganun kainit pero alam ko, sapat na rin iyon upng kahit sa panahonh malamig ay makaramdam din sila ng kapares...

kundi man yung isang kamay, isinasalang ko naman sa bibig..
"nail biters" ewan.. pampawala ng tensyon..

puta't madona

isang pagtingin
sa dalwang sinakdal ng lipunan
isang puta
at isang madona

ang puta---nakilala
nakasuot ng mini skirt
kasama si 'judge'----berde
matamis

ikinakaway ang sarili
kandidato sa eleksyon
itaguyod ang karapatang
ng mga babae
linisin ang masamang
pagtingin

habang ang puke ay inuuod na.
may dumi ng lalaki-at isang
patay na sanggol

ang madona--kinikilala (daw)
suot ang bestida
pinatahi para sa simbahan
magpoposing sa pintor
at ilalagay ang mukha para iguhit

karugtong ng buhay niya at
patuloy na titingan ng madla at
sa malamang
isasangla sa demonyo ang buhay
para sa kapirasong kapritso ng
luho

ang makilala....parang isang
peynting
ala - monalisa

feel ang pagdadarama

parang kelan lang dala dala ko pa ang virus.. binibilang ko na ang mga raw kung hanggang kelan pa ko hihinga... sa simpleng tiled floor ko nakuha --- tetano.
nagdugo ang paa ko. nadaplisan ng matalas na dulo ng kaawa awang kahoy sa sahig. tumawa pa nga ako ng makita ko ang "Bleeding wound". ngayon lang ulit ako nakakita ng sarili kong dugo. bhira na ko duguin maliban sa mens ko..

"anak, papaturukan kita bukas!" sabi ng nanay ko...
---eh sa totoo lang, ayoko talga. feel ko kasi magsenti. lam mo yung aprang dun sa mi2. yung babae matapos maturukan ng chimeara virus akala mo halos mahulog ang mundo.. may drama pa nga siya na tatalon sa cliff...
---sa part ko, ambabaw lang.. di pa nga sure na may tetano ako eh.. kaso wala lang mukhang astig yung binibilang mo ang mga araw hanggang malack jaw ka na.. kunsabagay, patay na rin ako pag nanahimik ako.

so yun.. plano ko sana na wag paturukan... may motto pa kong :pag oras mo, oras mo na talga. sinabi ko panga kay ronald yun nung nagkita kami nung wed:

"any last words bago ako mamatay??" sabi ko
---shempre, tinwanan lang naman niya ko. ewan ko ba dun. walang ginawa kundi tumawa. wala naman siyang nabanggit tungkol sa mga naiisip niya nung sabihin ko nga na mamamtay na ko

BAKA DI NANINIWALA
---pinakita ko na nga yung kaawa awang sugat ko sa paa.. masaya siyang nakadikit sa ilalim ng paa ko. mumunting sugat.. magandang isipin na yun ang dahilan ng pagkamatay ko.

--------------------------------------
Final judgement

dala dala na ni mommy ang mga gamot.. 2 shots daw sabi niya. parang yung ininum kong con panna.. 2 shots din.. pang neutralize ng hypertension malamang.

-busy si mommy sa pagseset up.. ako busy sa pagseself contemplate. kabado ako kahit na nakasiksik na sa utak ko ang eksena sa isang ads noong 19 kopong kopong
"parang kagat lang yan ng langgam" -- bata pa ata ang nagsabi sa kapwa bata.

sa isang kagat ng langgam, mawaala na ang pagdadrama ko. babalik na rin ang mundo ko sa paulit ulit sa siklo nito.. ang mamroblema sa mga bagay na di naman talga kaproble problema.. eh kung di na lang ako magpaturok, at least kahit mamatay ako, alam kong nabago ko ang takbo ng buhay ko kahit saglit.
malamang dumating pa ang mga tao na pinangarap kong dumalaw sa abahay.. lalo na yung taong nagtulak sa kin para magopen ng account ko dito sa blog..

"musta walkng natin??" sabi ko
isang ngiti lang ang ibinalik niya sa kin.. tahimik siyang naglalakad.. nilampasan niya ko.
clean cut na si harold.

*going back, ayun hinatak na ni mommy ang kanang braso ko.
ok kaya ang sakit. masarap din ang masaktan... bagong motto: pain is pleasure..

next;
skin test; at akala kng katapusan ko na. paano pinabulge ni mommy yung braso ko. akala ko maling pasok ng gamot
"mommy nahihilo na ko.."
bumagsak yung ulo ko sa balikat niya... di na rin ako makahinga. hinihintay ko na nga dumating yung mga flashing lyts. sabi daw nila near death ka na daw nun. kaso wala eh.. kita ko si mommy, mukhang at ease ampanget
MOMMY< MAMAMATAY nA AKO..
kaso mukhang di naman siya kinabahan. maliban na lang siguro sa pagiisip kung anong mali ang ginawa niya kahit wala. effective din pala magdrama

produkto na ata ako ng drama... putsa. mas nakakatawa kung mamatay ako dahil sa simpleng skin test lang. ampangit..

ayun.. ng makaluwag na ko.. tinurok na sa isa kong braso ang Potent tetanus toxoid... mabigat siya dalhin sa braso.irelax ko daw.. ikut ikot ang braso.

tang ina.. second life??? nah!!
produkto pa rin ng drama.. paslit na naligtas.
tapos na ko sa drama..

something to smile for (miss gullible talking)

i just thought that it would be all over.. a game i should say. a sad game of love. its not that long since i cut off that line. when he told me how a jack ass i was. how i came to visit him and throw things that he didnt want to hear. how crap his life was --- he knew it of course.. but to hear it from me? no-no...

i was walking from stations to stations... tired of all the immediate heartbeat. and the lost of it.. possible that they were all lies. and i had detected them all.. i only got a genuine feeling that the last real heartbeat that i felt was from him... but i never bothered to give it a try for it to last.. i was insane to keep that thing immediate.. but there's no such thing for him.. no immediate crap of feeling... whatever they (the people would say) i know this is not a short term addiction.. its just a week of knowing and months of communication gaps but in these gaps were fillings... that were (or iam) still bonded...

i have cried out my eyes... but still thinking of him, there are still tears flowing.. a mystery.. that still remains locked. a heart that keeps on beating even without his presence...
a smile that woiuld still stick on my lips just because of a single moment i kept on remembering...

the violet jacket/....
unfortunately, i saw it again.. funny he (the guy wearing it) looked like you.
well, at least i found myself thinking... how you looked like that day... that drizzle...
shit... now iam smiling.

no title

wed. na naman. time to refresh myself from hassles and things that troubles me everyday. i didint attend my ga for the reaspon that i got some dysmennorhea. ang sakit pala talaga. the only reason why i woke up so early -- mga 3 in the morning... rushed to my medicine cabinet and look for a cure... unfortunately, wala ng advil so i took 2 pills of paracetamol (so mga 1000 mg) ata at nilagok ko..
adik pa rin.. (aspirin na nga lang)
so... andami ko pang gagawin. and still, i'm sucked up in front oif this monitor.. telling my whole life out. problems for tomorrow will be my tonights problem...
lagot sa kin si richard gomez. hihimayin ko siya sa report namin.
yari na naman ako sa p6. wala pa rin akong alam.
late na naman ang papaer ko sa psych

ano pa ba??? di pa rin ako tumitino sa pag aaral ko ah..
ay oo.. meron pla.. advans ako sa latin
so what's the point?

pervs know when to shut up

a realization that hit me a while ago... i was checkin my email this morning when this guy buzz me from my messenger. so ok... we chatted for some time... talking about shit and stuff. about being lost in love and the attraction through pheromones, the power of scent for sex, the rush of libido. blah blah blah... trash talking. sort of a dirty bin for the "fantastic" act of man over woman.. very patriarchal, i should say.

and i had enough of it...
"SOP tayo..." he suddenly asked me.
"ha?? putsa desperado ka.." i replied

there's actually no twist after my reply. he kept on pushing me in..

"tara." he still persisted.
"fuck off" i answered

still the same.. he's a complete pervert. now where's the brain??? it all goes down... down to his center. if i ever had the chance to cut it off... i'll have no hesitations.
he does no thinking anymore.. a beast per se.. The power is there between his legs.

HE"S HARD

i completely hang the phone.. got sick of talking bout penises and vaginas...
it was only 930 in the morning. who would think about such??

he messaged me after..
"tnx anyway" he said...

he didn't bother to.... oh well. thanks for shutting up MR. STRADLIN.

bagong kabanata

happy new year sa lahat. minsan napapansin ko na parang di ko na mashadong nalalagyan ng laman ang blog ko. tama nga si beya. kapag mashado kang masya, u dont need to shout it na parang "MASYA AKO..." at kng ano anong kwento. simple na ang maramdaman mo na masaya ka. period. pakiramdam ko kasi, kapag nagsalita pa ko tungkol sa buhay kong masaya, eh lumpad na lang siya sa kin.. gagawing outlet ang bibig ko para tumakas. malipat pa sa iba... magdadamot na muna ako sa sarili ko... sakin muna ang pagiging masaya..............................

kahit wala pusong tumitiboktibok... which in fact i'm enjoying, eh oks pa rin naman. last new year nga nadaplisan pa ko ng kwitis. nag kablister pa ko. pero OK pa rin.. ewan nasobrahan ata ako sa pagiging high...

a day with babies

sa buwan na ito, mukhang malakas nanaman ako kay LORD. akalain mo ba naman na bigla akong gulatin ng aso kong si kara ng manganak siya ng lima. 1 lamang ang lalaki panay babae na. oklang.. inaantay ko pa rin ang susunod na ikay na papatulugin ko sa kama.
ngayong araw ko lang nakita ng malapitan ang mga tuta. masaya ako.. excited mother ako para sa limang baby dogs. papadede ko na naman ang aking mga daliri.. nakakakiliti kasi..

anyways, mejo kaiba ang bati ng araw na ito.. sabi ko na ngang hindi ako papaapekto. mabilis ata talaga ako mahook up.. at bigla ba naman akong excusan ng LBM at pagdadrive... sana nga talga.. pakagaling na lang siya...
di ko nanga amuna kukulitin ang telepono ko.. may naaalala ako.
buti na lang maybago akong pagkakaabalahan..

i'm back! probably because it's christmas and i'm in a complete boredom. yep.. christmas is actually the first two - 3hours of the day.. the rest are just time fillers...
anyway, i gues, i dont haveanything important to do. my "dull"family are very hospitable to accommodate all their friendly friends and loved ones. nice..
the funny thing: i actuallywokeup with myhead throbbing with pain.. i drank till 4. still at migs place. spenidng the yule with them is a complete fun asidefrom treating some ofhis friends because oftoo much drinking...
so where was i, yeah... i woke up andspotted this kid inside my room. "mjo singhutin ang bata" one ofthe things i hatedabout children... iimmediatly lefthim there making smudges of mucus everywhere... thanks kiddo.. nice greeting...

last night i got some message from brian.. we did talk about stuffand life before i left for dreamland. one thing i remembered before we hang up wasthat "hinihingahan na lang niya ako" he was drunk.

i did recieve a gift from migs bro.. a box of cinnamon goodies.... okei.. thanks.. and igave him a kiss on the cheek.. a neat one.

still planning to enjoy th rest of the day... in frontof the pc.. or to scare kids... that would be fun..

Pagpapanggap ng isang dalaga

Tawagin natin siyang si “panchita”. Dalaga, disiotso. Mukhang sariwa at makinis. Mataas ang pangarap at malalaki ang mga hinahakbang.

Matgal tagal na rin simula ng mailagay niya sa hukay ang isa niyang paa. Malas nga lamang dahil imbes na paa ang nailagay niya, isang walang kamuwang muwang na bata ang naihulog niya. Buti na lamang at tahimik siya. Hinele ni kamatayan..

“Go BABY, go to PAPA.. iingatan ka niya”

Ang huling salita niya bago mawalan ng malay. bago hukayin ang yaman sa pagitan ng kanyang ari..
itatatransplant na si baby.. ilalagay sa hukay. Di na niya iistorbuhin si nanay Panchita.
Ni hikbi, wala kang maririnig. Napsarap na siya ng tulog sa hele ng lalaking may kalawit. Tinugtugan ng abc hanggang matapos sa Z.

Yan ang nakaraan. Mga walong buwan na ang nakaklilipas. Nakaligtas ang matinik na si “Panchita” sa panganib ng paglobo. Malaki pa ang kinabukasan ng magaling na dalaga. Tuloy pa rin sa pangarap. Abot kamay na ito sa loob ng ilang taon. Magsusuot na rin siya ng puti.

Ngayon ay Disiembre, alam niyang kung tinuloy niya ang bahaging iyon ng nakaraan, patunay ito na pamasko si baby ng langit. At bagong taon para sa kanya ang darating.
Siyay magiging ina s unang buwan ng sunod na taon… SANA

Ngayon, alam ni Panchita, darating ang araw na maipaparada niya ang pinagpagurang putting tela. Ibabalabal sa sarili…
Oo nakatapos ka panchita! At siya’y iiyak… luha at dugo. Iyak ng ina.

pawn hotlines

“Gud evening mam! How can I help you?”

Mula sa kabilang linya maririnig ang iba’t ibang boses ng BOSS..
----matandang nagpipilit bumigkas
----babaeng hinihingal sa pagbigkas
----isang teenager na slang bumigkas
----at isang batang kakatuto pa lang bumigkas

Sabay maririnig ang sunodsunod na pagtaktak ng “keyboard”

“Mam/Sir, may problema po tayo sa…… na isinalin sa ibat ibang lengwahe. Fukien para sa mga chengwang balasubas na BOSS; ingles para sa mga kanong magpapanggap (subalit naghahanap lamng ng maasawa); Nipponggo para sa mga Hapon; at iba’t ibang salin pa.

CALL CENTER----the only bright spot in the Philippine economy. Teka, sabayan ko muna ng OYEAH!! Magaling. In short parang…parang…
parang may isang anghel sa aking labi …na nangingiliti.

Nagbibigay ngiti sa mga aspiring yuppies.
Mga istambay - ng coffeeshop, bestfriend ni “the GREAT YOSIKADIRI” ang mascot na puti ng DOH.

CALL CENTER ---the only bright spot in the Philippine economy. In short parang…
SUNcell. Talk and text all you can. Sabay birit ni J.R. ng O YEAH!! At pagdemo ng kanyang helicopter (yung parang turumpo).

Maliwanag na maliwanag. Niloloko nanaman tayo. Sino ba namang di papauto sa malaking pasweldo ng CALL CENTER.. maliit na ang 12000 na sweldo isabay mo pa ang iba pang benefits. Sino ba naman ang di hihindi

• Kahit na kapalit nito ay paulit ulit na Hi, Hello, Gud Morning, Gud Evening, at iba’t iba pang gud.
• Kahit na ilang ulit ng naitatanong ang isang problema.
• Kahit na ilang beses pa murahin ng BOSS dahil hindi maayos ang pinapagawa niya.
• Kahit na ilang graveyard shifts na ang naiikot mo. Nabespren mo na ang buwan at bituin.
• Kahit na kalakip nito ang buhay na paulit ulit.Hanggang mastress out ka na

Aminin natin. Maliit na ang pangarap ng mga bagong gradweyt. Solb na sa simpleng pagsagot sa high-tech phone, sariling computer na kapag minalas malas ka ay de intranet, at malamig na aircon. Ayus! Feeling abroad kana.

Di ko naman nais sirain ang Call Center phenomena ngayon. Pero nakakaawa naman. Biktima na naman tayo ng exploitasyon. Sa maniwala kayo o sa hindi. Cheap labor ang inaakala niyong mga opsinang malamig sa strata ng ortigas at Citibank ng libis. Cheap labor ang paulit ulit na pagsagot satelepono at pakikipagusap kay BOSS na everything will be normal atmay unting sira sa…

Walang pinagkaiba sa trabahong pampabrika. Paulit ulit. Hanggang mapudpod ang daliri at mamaos ang boses. Kunsabagy, wala namang utak na pinapagana. Buhay na robot.
Panay scripted. Trial and error.
Pati si BOSS nagpapauto.
Pati ako nagpapauto. Kunsabagay, malaki ang sweldo. Tama ngang pati buhay nabibili na rin pala.

At sa halaga pa ng isang cellphone kada buwan.

exchange

its actually a good feeling. of sharing your feelings and thoughts. i've done that a lot of times but yesternight, was so different. aside from me talking, there's this guy that keeps up with me.. exchanging nice ideas about writing and even some kwentong bahay stories (that i miss so much)..
that's what i mean by a nice coinversation.. you talk, i talk, you listen, i listen.. not that bullcrap that i talk shit.. and another just listens till he drops off to sleep.
am i singing a frail lullabye or something?
eeeeeeee.... that's not good.

*gusto ko yung binasa niyang poem about "yosi together" ang astig ng concept..

losing end

i dont know what exactly i'm feeling ryt now. this is supposedly a big day for me.. imagine, meeting up mr. nice guy and being with him for even a few hours is just so so cool.
but shit knows that we cant... will never..
yesterday, iwas such a loser that i drove him mad. imaturity even if i've grown for about a year. i'm no 18 in attitude. fuck it. talk about being an adult.
but hey, this is a damn important matter.. not an adult stuff not even a teenage stuff...
this is my life... my day...
and i spoiled it all because of the fucking i did...

now, i dont know. he's in his slumber.. damn the world.. he's in a day off.
and now i'm talking shit. L.O.S.E.R.

ok great day for me.. a good time for me to die...

nakakabore... hinintay ko ung bagyo pero parang wala naman siya.. shit! long vacatiooon..

(in)decent proposal

iba't ibang mukha ng pagibig:

• si lil miss gullible at mr. nice guy
• isang musikero at isang tagahanga
• isang bachelor at isang bachelorette

ngayon desente ka na. nakaputing polo, gray slacks at black polished shoes. naks! iba na nga talga. malayo sa dugyot image mo dati.

mukha kang si big boss --- may ari ng makati
subalit binago mo ang lahat.. nang hiarap mo sa kin ang contrata

"looks like a big deal" sabi ko sa sarili ko
"contratang galing sa puso ma'm" tila sinisigaw ng maputi mong polo.. nlabahn ata ng dagat.

----isang salesman at isang cliente
big time na cliente mo.

tsk.. ibang mukha ng pagibig in the context of business. very influential. and impressing..
law of market shit...

pormal-pormalan
astig...

tres

i want to clarify -- NO HIDDEN AGENDA
an intentional visit. i want to see you

i was driving my way back to you. still pictures of you and me were rolling at the bac of my head. like those in the movies.. shrot films of the past.

i was tensed.. 3 smokes and off
back to those movie flicks.

the informant told me where you are... i immediately gatecrashed. throwing the possibility of a failure.. but.. this is a risk to take..
and there was you. dressed differently.

so. ok your there.
haha.. funny that i was hypnotized. and you caught me staring AT YOU.. and you stared back..
-----fuck! those piercing eyes
-----as usual, i threw my fake laughs..

i was back. 3 mos ago
the feling still there 3 mos old
and still no changes... its absurd
that was 3 mos..