Life is all about change...and I'm currently in a part of my life involving a huge one... "I don't wanna be here, Id give anything to not be here, to have my life work out the way I planned it and even have time to ask what about me?...So you change, you get over it...Im here now..." We may not have the power to choose all the time, but we have the power to adapt to change and make the best of what God has offered us...

And so... Here I am currently living in acceptance...keeping a promise to my only love and looking forward to a better and exciting chapter of my life

-ruth-

goodbye (for now)

that should have been the last word i said to him during our last conversation but up to the very last minute, i could not muster the courage to say it to him..

i was thinking then..he has caused me pain but i think he has no clear idea about what he has done..what was i thinking? actually, the more i have thought about him for the past month has made me feel worse about our situation..i should have never let him get too close to me..i should have stayed away when i had an excuse to do so..but i did not listen to what my mind was saying, instead i followed my heart's instructions..and now i am paying the price
i am a coward, i know..you won't hear anything from me from now on..if i get scared or if i need comfort, i won't be tempted to let you know about it..i would try to learn again to live a life independent from you..your existence for the past three years has been great, it has been a blessing..you gave me hope but you also took that hope away..i just wish you happiness and if one day i see you somewhere, i hope i can smile at you without any pretensions..

"There is nothing sadder in this life than to watch someone you love walk away after they have left you. To watch the distance between your two bodies expand until there is nothing left but empty space... and silence."

im still in my post, and i have been making my first few steps away slowly.
at the same time glancing back and drawing a few inches back.

mukhang mahihirapan akong umalis sa pwesto.
pain is still as fresh as it was 2 weeks ago.

feelings have been the same, and it really grows strong...

now tell me how can you cut off a growing tree when its roots has been digging kilometers of the ground?

its more than a week already. at masasabi kong this has been one of the worst week of my life. masakit pa din sa kin ang lahat. at kahit ipaulit ulit ko sa utak ko para lang kahit papano eh madesensitized ako at maimmune, the same pa rin ang feeling. masakit pa din. nagccreep sa likod ko yung lamig, and yung dread. yup dread, the sad thing though, anjan na siya. yung kinatatakutan ko anjan na pala sa harap ko. at oo, in denial pa din ako sa mga pangyayari.
for 1 week, nagwallow ako sa lungkot, at awa sa sarili. naawa ako sa sarili ko. naisahan na naman ako. at kahit isipin ko pa yung huling beses na nagusap kami, at kahit alam kong maayos ang mga huling salita namin noong biyernes ng madaling arawna iyon, sa loob loob ko alam ko, di ako magiging maayos. di ito magiging madali. i don't deserve this. yan ang paulit ulit na naiisip ko.
at sa bawat alaala, literal na sumasama ang pakiramdam ko. tawag na nga sa med, depression spurts. saksi ang mga kaklase ko sa dalahin ko sa araw araw na pagpasok ko sa school. alam nila na impyerno ang paguubos ko ng oras dahil simula ng mangyari yun, biglang sarado ng buong sistema ko.

naawa ako sa sarili ko. kaso wala akong magawa. salamt at may mga taong handang tumulong. sa pag alis niya, maraming pintuan ang muling nabuksan. mga dating tao, mga dating anjan na. hindi ko lang alam na anjan dahil siya at siya lang naman ang pinaglalaanan ko talga. mahirap talga pag sa isang tao mo lang naibubuhos ang lahat, kaya kapag iniwan ka na, pakiramdam mo wala ka na din. ang di mo lang alam madami palang naghihintay ng buong atensyon mo.

sa loob ng isang linggo, naranasan ko ang umiyak in between classes, ang biglang mapatigil sa kinakain ko, ang di kumain ng dalawang araw na direcho dahil kahit iforce feed ko ang sarili ko, isusuka ko lang talga. masahol pa sa bulimia ang depression talgang papatayin ka. its a helpless situation dahil kahit may mga taong anjan sa paligid mo, its really up to you to make things work. at yun ang masakit dun, alam ko ang estado ko, pero wala akong magawa. alam ko ang tawag pero hinahayaan ko lang. dahil sa bawat galaw mo isang sampal pa din ang matatanggap mo. sadya man o hindi.

i want this over. i really do. pero kung babalikan ko ang mga napgdaaanan ko na, alam ko matagal tagal pa bago ito matapos. alam ko ilang sampal pa (marahil marami rami pa) bago ako tuluyang mamanhid at tumigil sa pagdidiliryo ko. alam ko di ko na maibabalik ang lahat. sayang. isang malaking panghihinayang.

katulad ng dati, i will still be hoping. hanggang maubos na ang mga pangarap ko. hanggang makayanan ko na ulit. hanggang di na ko matablan ng sakit.

hanggang mabuo ko na ulit ang sarili ko.