Life is all about change...and I'm currently in a part of my life involving a huge one... "I don't wanna be here, Id give anything to not be here, to have my life work out the way I planned it and even have time to ask what about me?...So you change, you get over it...Im here now..." We may not have the power to choose all the time, but we have the power to adapt to change and make the best of what God has offered us...

And so... Here I am currently living in acceptance...keeping a promise to my only love and looking forward to a better and exciting chapter of my life

-ruth-

goodbye (for now)

that should have been the last word i said to him during our last conversation but up to the very last minute, i could not muster the courage to say it to him..

i was thinking then..he has caused me pain but i think he has no clear idea about what he has done..what was i thinking? actually, the more i have thought about him for the past month has made me feel worse about our situation..i should have never let him get too close to me..i should have stayed away when i had an excuse to do so..but i did not listen to what my mind was saying, instead i followed my heart's instructions..and now i am paying the price
i am a coward, i know..you won't hear anything from me from now on..if i get scared or if i need comfort, i won't be tempted to let you know about it..i would try to learn again to live a life independent from you..your existence for the past three years has been great, it has been a blessing..you gave me hope but you also took that hope away..i just wish you happiness and if one day i see you somewhere, i hope i can smile at you without any pretensions..

"There is nothing sadder in this life than to watch someone you love walk away after they have left you. To watch the distance between your two bodies expand until there is nothing left but empty space... and silence."

im still in my post, and i have been making my first few steps away slowly.
at the same time glancing back and drawing a few inches back.

mukhang mahihirapan akong umalis sa pwesto.
pain is still as fresh as it was 2 weeks ago.

feelings have been the same, and it really grows strong...

now tell me how can you cut off a growing tree when its roots has been digging kilometers of the ground?

its more than a week already. at masasabi kong this has been one of the worst week of my life. masakit pa din sa kin ang lahat. at kahit ipaulit ulit ko sa utak ko para lang kahit papano eh madesensitized ako at maimmune, the same pa rin ang feeling. masakit pa din. nagccreep sa likod ko yung lamig, and yung dread. yup dread, the sad thing though, anjan na siya. yung kinatatakutan ko anjan na pala sa harap ko. at oo, in denial pa din ako sa mga pangyayari.
for 1 week, nagwallow ako sa lungkot, at awa sa sarili. naawa ako sa sarili ko. naisahan na naman ako. at kahit isipin ko pa yung huling beses na nagusap kami, at kahit alam kong maayos ang mga huling salita namin noong biyernes ng madaling arawna iyon, sa loob loob ko alam ko, di ako magiging maayos. di ito magiging madali. i don't deserve this. yan ang paulit ulit na naiisip ko.
at sa bawat alaala, literal na sumasama ang pakiramdam ko. tawag na nga sa med, depression spurts. saksi ang mga kaklase ko sa dalahin ko sa araw araw na pagpasok ko sa school. alam nila na impyerno ang paguubos ko ng oras dahil simula ng mangyari yun, biglang sarado ng buong sistema ko.

naawa ako sa sarili ko. kaso wala akong magawa. salamt at may mga taong handang tumulong. sa pag alis niya, maraming pintuan ang muling nabuksan. mga dating tao, mga dating anjan na. hindi ko lang alam na anjan dahil siya at siya lang naman ang pinaglalaanan ko talga. mahirap talga pag sa isang tao mo lang naibubuhos ang lahat, kaya kapag iniwan ka na, pakiramdam mo wala ka na din. ang di mo lang alam madami palang naghihintay ng buong atensyon mo.

sa loob ng isang linggo, naranasan ko ang umiyak in between classes, ang biglang mapatigil sa kinakain ko, ang di kumain ng dalawang araw na direcho dahil kahit iforce feed ko ang sarili ko, isusuka ko lang talga. masahol pa sa bulimia ang depression talgang papatayin ka. its a helpless situation dahil kahit may mga taong anjan sa paligid mo, its really up to you to make things work. at yun ang masakit dun, alam ko ang estado ko, pero wala akong magawa. alam ko ang tawag pero hinahayaan ko lang. dahil sa bawat galaw mo isang sampal pa din ang matatanggap mo. sadya man o hindi.

i want this over. i really do. pero kung babalikan ko ang mga napgdaaanan ko na, alam ko matagal tagal pa bago ito matapos. alam ko ilang sampal pa (marahil marami rami pa) bago ako tuluyang mamanhid at tumigil sa pagdidiliryo ko. alam ko di ko na maibabalik ang lahat. sayang. isang malaking panghihinayang.

katulad ng dati, i will still be hoping. hanggang maubos na ang mga pangarap ko. hanggang makayanan ko na ulit. hanggang di na ko matablan ng sakit.

hanggang mabuo ko na ulit ang sarili ko.

I’ve always wondered why they say that mothers know best. Now I know. This silly, innocent, naïve child should have listened to her mother.

*
My mom would always tell me to look for a man who knows how to say “I’m sorry.” Not the curt, brief, sometimes growling ‘sorry’ that guys mutter under their breath, but the sincere, penitent “I am sorry” which they aren’t afraid of being overheard by other people.
*
She used to tell me to look for a guy who wouldn’t trample on my dignity, wouldn’t make me feel less of myself, wouldn’t make me feel or treat me like a rag. She cautioned against loving a person too much that you allow that person to run your life, make you feel inferior, less of yourself, much more, a person without her own identity.
*
She tells me about being my own woman, not a shadow of my partner. That no matter how much you love that person, no matter how much you want to follow him to the ends of the earth, you will always be YOU. And even if you’re supposed to have joint dreams and aspirations as a couple, you also have your own dreams and aspirations. She points out the importance of compromise and leveling-off. At one time, you may have to give in. And sometimes, it’s him who has to give in. But it shouldn’t always be YOU.
*
And while she tells me never to easily give in, she tells me about swallowing my pride and making the first move to say sorry especially if I’m the one at fault. I shouldn’t wait for the guy to kneel down in front of me just so to test his dedication or the depth of his feelings. Manipulation may work at first. Threats of a cool-off or a break-up may work at first. But it eventually loses its appeal, and come on, guys do get tired going after their girlfriend’s whims and trying to please them.
*
She tells me never to go to sleep without resolving a problem. There are times when you need moments to cool down after an argument, sleep it off and talk about the problem the next day. But if you both can do it, try to solve the problem before going to bed. Wouldn’t it be better if you face each other in the morning smiling instead of exchanging angry, hurtful glances, or much more, ignoring each other?
*
Mom says never be blown away by the words. Don’t be dazzled by how smart or intelligent he is, by the number of words he knows in the dictionary, by how good he writes or speaks or talks, by how deft his hands are, by the beauty of his face, his height or even his sexy appeal. And because I have a stupid tendency of falling for smart, intelligent, not-exactly-geeky guys, she warned me against falling for the wrong reasons --- mainly the intellectual stimulation the guy provides. Because, according to her, smart guys are usually stubborn, hard-headed men. They can be so darn rational and logical at times that it’s hard to get through to them. Everything has to have an explanation and it better be one that their rational, logical minds can comprehend. Of course, there are exceptions, but the fact still remains that the smarter one is, the more complicated things are for that person.
*
Of course, she didn’t tell me to go for a moron. Look for someone who’s a good conversationalist, understands what you’re saying and generally, provide you intellectual stimulation every now and then. But don’t go for someone who philosophize practically everything and all aspects of the relationship. The debates may be stimulating at first, but it gets tiring trying to argue the ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ of things. Love, in the first place, needs no philosophy, debates, or arguments of the metaphysics of life.
*
Smarting from a painful rejection from my first love, I complained to her about losing my Mr. Perfect. He’s someone my family would have been proud of –a decent guy from a good, reputable family, with a good career and all the good genes I would like to pass on to my kids. She wisely told me that I am not supposed to look for Mr. Perfect in the first place. Anak, an average guy would do as long as he’s kind, he loves you and understands you.
*
Well, of course, I forgot that advice again, because I blindly plunged into the river and now, I’m trying to save my heart and my pride. He’s someone exciting. Impulsive, suave, persistent, more than nice-looking, and with a mind that blows me away sometimes –good genes as well. But alas, perhaps I was wrong in playing his ‘extreme’ game.
*
My mom tells me about being open, talking about problems and each one’s expectations and trying to compromise. She tells me about being upfront, about not playing games with your loved one’s emotions.
*
Because love, according to my dear mama, is supposed to make you grow more as a person, make you feel more confident, give you security and stability. Love is supposed to make you appreciate yourself more, not demean you. Love is supposed to empower you and highlight your good points, and not the bad. And love is supposed to be about listening and respecting the other person. It’s not dismissal or turning a deaf ear to your partner. It’s about understanding and forgiveness. It’s about acceptance. It’s easy to accept the good things. But the true test of love is one’s willingness to accept the other person’s faults, and the other’s willingness to change their faults for the sake of their loved one.

Now, I don’t know if these words were something she learned from her own mama, from the romance pocketbooks she reads, from experience, or even from her own idealistic musings of a relationship. But the fact that I’ve taken a couple of crashes from my own fantasies ---falling for the sexy appeal, the intellectual stimulation, allowing myself to be charmed by the big words --- because I didn’t heed her words only show that perhaps it’s time I try to see the wisdom of her words.
Afterall, mothers are supposed to know best.

picking up the pieces

contrary to what i thought and what i posted previously, things happened so fast. bryan broke up with me. i'll soon post the reasons of our break up

i must admit that this process of healing and picking up every broken pieces is hurting me more.

i hope this'll end soon. i cant bear the pain anymore.
its more than a thousand needles in my heart.

i hate you bryan... and yet i'm still loving you.

at the top of the wheel

things are going pretty smoothly. bryan and i blew our candles before the halloween, and have started to say our temporary goodbyes before boarding again to med school.

my vacation answered my queries about my relational cum personal affairs as everyday was livved with nothing but a smile ear to ear, hearty meals, and countless number of laughters.


it was lovely.

delineating

i have never liked psychology. and i still regret choosing it over the others (thanks to naneng). but this realization hit me a double when i was confronted with an incident that found myself picking over the subjective when it should have been objectively done.
a case of hand neuropathy was reversed into what i thought was a simple case of psychosomatic problem- ergo, a fake. what made me think about that was a simple reading of her exagerrations that to my surprise turned me into a hag of an old unreliable psychologist.

apparently, what i thought a fake happened to be rushed again to the hospital.
the same same problem.

caffeine consumptions and lens expenditures

i never thought, that i'd only be "med high" for a few weeks. as i started to indulge myself into boosts of coffee and medical nightmares, the effect of being there and scratching up your medical career seems to slough off. months just flew by, not noticing that i have lost AGAIN a few pounds and my lens becoming less and less pwerful.

ranting aside, i have officially paved my way to new medical jargons and cases. and judging from watching House again, i can run through with oohs and aahs-- terrific.
---------------------------------------------------------------

what made life easier though are these 26 add ons in my social circle. call it a soon to be colleagues, with much laughing and lightening up. i'm not surprised they also drink the same gallon as i do.

same rule applies when we push one up to the grilling machine. god i hate case conferences.

pardon me for my absence. i am stucked with few horseplaying, and attempts to fight off sleep and read chapters of medical texts that im not sure when i am supposed to be finished. so far, i have solved eezy (?) cases, most complicated of which was this damn cardiac failure plus plus the complications. only to find out that in the end, the patient ended up rigor.

now for the last few stretch of the sem, emphysema.

BED REST

a few more days before i wave off my vacation and put my hats off to stress. my eyes are now ready to load bags, had my new hair do to kick up my first day and had saddled a few pounds for contingencies. just recently, my health was down the dumps. i was forced to 4 days of bed rest-- cancelling my planned night outs with a few close friends and my EK visit with bry, which by the way i accidentally put off ALSO because of a petty fight.

Luckily momma's got a plan b, im out tomorrow with her to feed my fashion cravings that according to her will stop as soon as i put on my whites.

MED PININGS numero une

with med looming over the horizon, it is very much impossible to skip days without leaving the house, stretching a leg or just merely yawning. i am currently busy finishing the last of my med requirements before class starts in june.
manila has been the least of my most-wanted-places-on-earth and the thought of going back and forth everyday would mean more alveolar killings, pulsating headaches and a clammy/ eeky/ greasy feeling--- all of which i havent felt in diliman (or could have but at the minimum).

a candy dream of medicine is not what it is in reality.

i havent had a total experience of med life, but having the experience of traffic and pollution has given me a tinge of what will be LIFE in the next 5 years.
suffocating. crampy. sickening.

med life still happy. happy. happy.
-- i take my 3 last words back--

numero deux:
i have always been open about my status with bry. i have tried to end it once but due to some circumstances that i cannot hold, i kept trusting and funding a few more investments.
whatever bryan's ordeal is with med, it is absolutely a self inflicting case. i've had all the experiences of persuading him and apparently, he only sees what he wanted to see.
the best i can do is to hope that someday his brain will have room good enough to accomodate a few more explanations and a bigger occipital cortical area to see beyond his intended limits.

*seems like im being tug-o-warred*

officially in!

i'll soon be stepping my first rung and hopefully, i can get all the way to the top without any slips.

pagpupugay sa mga isko at iska

pasasalamat sa mga magulang, mga mahal sa buhay, kaibigan, kapanalig, katunggali, kagrupo, kaorganisasyon, kapwa, mga kababayan, sa lahat

isang pagsukli mula sa bayan ang siyang tanging tugon at tiyak na ang ating pagiging ganap bilang mga bagong luwal ng unibersidad.

isang hamon para sa lahat sa atin

pananagutan, katotohanan at paninidigan.

mabuhay ka isko, mabuhay ka iska.

*isang hamon ni kgg. david*

13.... 13

so much has happened in a day. that even if i was all smothered in sweat and grime, have walked UP fields countless number of times, and have skipped 2 meals (a dinner and a lunch), i still wanna go back and do it all over again.


it is interesting to note that the number 13 is still plastered around my face. and i'm lucky to have worn it sunup to sundown.

still MD?

reality has dropped me from dreamworld that now, as the world is sinking in my brains, i still cannot absorb everything that is actually taking in. dreams would always be dreams, and if you try to grab the best opportunity in store to gain a step up the ladder, you'll find yourself landing on your butt sooner than what you think.

ideally after graduation, my plan is to pursue a medicine career and be the best surgeon, far more better than Burke in cardio or Shepard in neuro. specilaization in mind: neuro, cardio (both already said), onco, or ortho (callie!). i love to see myself all geared up in scrubs, a scalpel or with a makita driller for more hardcore. i think it looks lovely a picture. the big yet, is the sudden rising of the long put off canadian dream. the immigration consul counted 2-4 years before the whole family will be good enough to stay, and that means overlapping with my med studies if ever i decided to pursue.
i dont want to be a helpless pussy, that even lookiing up my ladder is like feeling your heart being stabbed soo many times. afterall its like pulling a trigger and see if it will mark a spot. a little of optimism and maybe this time mom will lend me an ear. come april 19, i foresee that the cloudy brain of mine and the broken ladder will soon be fixed. just please, for the better.
i need to put that scrubs on... deadline: 5 years from now.

VACATION NOT OVER

i thought that having a vacation would give me a total peace of mind. but to my surprise, it wasnt. the least of my priorities is again pushed atop of the heap when the very person himself brought me back to where we left ourselves before...

i still know the attachment, the commitment, everything. but as soon as i decided to stop being in sync with your very erratic schedule, i realized that even at my own, im still at one piece. what does that mean? i DO NOT know.

trust me, i'm looking for the proper remedy for the both of us. and if i'm killing you in pain, accept my deepest apologies. truth hurts.

just think of this as a phase we just have to outive for the moment.

P.S. i am trying... i really do.

making the most of what is left

3 days to go; 2 more subjects
--- 2 empirical papers
---2 long exams

countless shots.. and finally a degree.

*i'm still looking forward to becoming a doctor. and as i say, a good one.

rotten

im at the peak of my bewilderment, and im still puzzled as to why everyhting have fallen into broken pieces. this wasnt meant to be so fragile. now, everything just smelled as stale as bread and as bad as rotten egg.

who would like to take in something that has been filled with molds anyway.
i might as well starve myself again

post op

it wasn't a red day affair for me as compared to most of those i know. on the very eve, i was busy doing tons of paperwork, that i dint care if my bags sag or my hair disheveled. and even if i did have the strongest urge to call his cellphone and greet, poverty also slip in my recesses and have won my decision not too. afterall, its the thought that counts. probably he knew of that.

on the very day, i was thrashed out with muscle spasms and headaches, spent the rest of the day on bed, woke up and continued my triathlon of dibidis spared with popcorns and cereals.

nothing really special about it, but yes, it's a good day.

what my valentine is...

21 months of loyalty, phone fights, i love yous, cheesy talks, secrets and fun.
i'm glad to have you. even if you've been quite a shadow lately.
i admire your undying efforts to reach and understand the immaturity of my thoughts. i may not have any gifts to offer you, or a thousand letters for you to read. i may not be the cheesy girl you ever will dream of. but one thing is certain----

i badly miss you.

a bunch of cheese will do

as of now, my life's a total wreck. i need not explicitly state the status of my daily affairs since it would bring tons of questions-- novel et non.

it bothers me, as i contemplate on the matters, that i have been an easy tweep. small time talks, private messages, jeepney rides-- all of those i rolled in one bottle of vodka and had drank till the last drop. and for a little less than a month, i have been badly intoxicated. BADLY.
what made matters worse--- a slip of the tongue. and an untimely phone call.

by the way, i tried to induce a happy aura by biting some monte carlo today. however, it never worked.

all hearts out

live aids all all fun! buti na lang at may kasama akong tumawa dahil kung hindi, malamang mukha akong sira sa likod nila kaye kakatawa. it was only a bad choice that he was sitting along the aisle and he was easily spotted by giselle. very horrible was when he and another guy was dared to kiss or beso to prove that they weren't closeta's.

the tiger did.

and oh, may i say that giselle picked a gamey little guy. wahahahha
NOTE: gamey LITTLE guy
*laughing all hearts out

afterplay
after hours didnt shunt the heat up..

M- PHOSIS

i have done the unimaginable.

its been quite a while since i vowed not to let anyone in my virtual abode. however, i got a chance to meet someone stupid as i am that easily penetrated my personal bubble; hence gaining a pass to gatecrash (read: irony). i have yet again set aside my intimidating wall and instead opened another door for this someone whose knowledge of me is still bounded by the 4 corners of his monitor..

for you who is new...

welcome.

fork

this should have been posted a week ago, but because of some mishaps (spilled coffee, holed tummy, black eyebags) which can be easily attributed to lack of sleep and a problematic body clock, it took me several days to recocver from this holiday stress.

2006 bombarded me with several big hit questions . most salient of which carries off till now, future at stake

i do not need a psychic to address my future. enough that i know how goal oriented i am to address the situation of my year.. ideally, my plan is to graduate and pursue med. but the past year have extended my borders to the full and exposed me to some possibilities of what life will be if i take the other way granting that my road forks.
perhaps a year off?

or pursue my long time career-- healing wounds, removing scars, easing pain. all at the same time. and yes, loving it all the more.