I’ve always wondered why they say that mothers know best. Now I know. This silly, innocent, naïve child should have listened to her mother.

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My mom would always tell me to look for a man who knows how to say “I’m sorry.” Not the curt, brief, sometimes growling ‘sorry’ that guys mutter under their breath, but the sincere, penitent “I am sorry” which they aren’t afraid of being overheard by other people.
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She used to tell me to look for a guy who wouldn’t trample on my dignity, wouldn’t make me feel less of myself, wouldn’t make me feel or treat me like a rag. She cautioned against loving a person too much that you allow that person to run your life, make you feel inferior, less of yourself, much more, a person without her own identity.
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She tells me about being my own woman, not a shadow of my partner. That no matter how much you love that person, no matter how much you want to follow him to the ends of the earth, you will always be YOU. And even if you’re supposed to have joint dreams and aspirations as a couple, you also have your own dreams and aspirations. She points out the importance of compromise and leveling-off. At one time, you may have to give in. And sometimes, it’s him who has to give in. But it shouldn’t always be YOU.
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And while she tells me never to easily give in, she tells me about swallowing my pride and making the first move to say sorry especially if I’m the one at fault. I shouldn’t wait for the guy to kneel down in front of me just so to test his dedication or the depth of his feelings. Manipulation may work at first. Threats of a cool-off or a break-up may work at first. But it eventually loses its appeal, and come on, guys do get tired going after their girlfriend’s whims and trying to please them.
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She tells me never to go to sleep without resolving a problem. There are times when you need moments to cool down after an argument, sleep it off and talk about the problem the next day. But if you both can do it, try to solve the problem before going to bed. Wouldn’t it be better if you face each other in the morning smiling instead of exchanging angry, hurtful glances, or much more, ignoring each other?
*
Mom says never be blown away by the words. Don’t be dazzled by how smart or intelligent he is, by the number of words he knows in the dictionary, by how good he writes or speaks or talks, by how deft his hands are, by the beauty of his face, his height or even his sexy appeal. And because I have a stupid tendency of falling for smart, intelligent, not-exactly-geeky guys, she warned me against falling for the wrong reasons --- mainly the intellectual stimulation the guy provides. Because, according to her, smart guys are usually stubborn, hard-headed men. They can be so darn rational and logical at times that it’s hard to get through to them. Everything has to have an explanation and it better be one that their rational, logical minds can comprehend. Of course, there are exceptions, but the fact still remains that the smarter one is, the more complicated things are for that person.
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Of course, she didn’t tell me to go for a moron. Look for someone who’s a good conversationalist, understands what you’re saying and generally, provide you intellectual stimulation every now and then. But don’t go for someone who philosophize practically everything and all aspects of the relationship. The debates may be stimulating at first, but it gets tiring trying to argue the ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ of things. Love, in the first place, needs no philosophy, debates, or arguments of the metaphysics of life.
*
Smarting from a painful rejection from my first love, I complained to her about losing my Mr. Perfect. He’s someone my family would have been proud of –a decent guy from a good, reputable family, with a good career and all the good genes I would like to pass on to my kids. She wisely told me that I am not supposed to look for Mr. Perfect in the first place. Anak, an average guy would do as long as he’s kind, he loves you and understands you.
*
Well, of course, I forgot that advice again, because I blindly plunged into the river and now, I’m trying to save my heart and my pride. He’s someone exciting. Impulsive, suave, persistent, more than nice-looking, and with a mind that blows me away sometimes –good genes as well. But alas, perhaps I was wrong in playing his ‘extreme’ game.
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My mom tells me about being open, talking about problems and each one’s expectations and trying to compromise. She tells me about being upfront, about not playing games with your loved one’s emotions.
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Because love, according to my dear mama, is supposed to make you grow more as a person, make you feel more confident, give you security and stability. Love is supposed to make you appreciate yourself more, not demean you. Love is supposed to empower you and highlight your good points, and not the bad. And love is supposed to be about listening and respecting the other person. It’s not dismissal or turning a deaf ear to your partner. It’s about understanding and forgiveness. It’s about acceptance. It’s easy to accept the good things. But the true test of love is one’s willingness to accept the other person’s faults, and the other’s willingness to change their faults for the sake of their loved one.

Now, I don’t know if these words were something she learned from her own mama, from the romance pocketbooks she reads, from experience, or even from her own idealistic musings of a relationship. But the fact that I’ve taken a couple of crashes from my own fantasies ---falling for the sexy appeal, the intellectual stimulation, allowing myself to be charmed by the big words --- because I didn’t heed her words only show that perhaps it’s time I try to see the wisdom of her words.
Afterall, mothers are supposed to know best.