BOXED UP

....
silence. i heard a
muffled cry
somewhere.
sound rings
in my ears

footsteps.

knock on the door.

a heartbeat.

i'm next...
where is him...

the devil.. found me
i'm trapped.

fainted.death. rot.

Color of the day: Blue
Word of the Day: Netventure
Location: Alimall 2nd floor

obvious ba? got nothing to do ulit? for the nth time. andito ulit ako sa alimall. hehe my second home. haha

so... where was i?? wala naman eh di ba?
ah!! lam ko na.. gawa na lang ako ng resolution about things such as lovelife (if god decides to give me one..)
mukha bang may sinasabi?? haha.. wala.

basta, the next tym i'll have a bf, di ko na pagsasawaan. paano? hehe, that i dont know. pero kayang gawan ng paraan if both parties would cooperate. at di lang ISA ang nagdadala
next, i would be a good felow, pag binato ka, batuhin mo ng tinapay (may palaman na bato sa loob) at least may cushion. watch out! arghh
then, i would be submissive. actually, that wont be a big problem coz nagawa ko na yan nun. batsa naapreciate naman. di lang tipong taken for granted.
and shempre, faithful.. (mukhang malabo..) at least i'd try. hehe..

so, what's the point? WALA LANG. just want to maximize my time here sa comp. shop. post lang ng post.

krus

nakita kita kanina
nakapulupot ang crus sa
leeg at kamay mo
para bagang
tinataboy mo ako

di ka ba nabibigatan

sa krus na pilit na
sumasakal sa yo?
sayang at di
mo pa yan ikinamatay.

habang ako...

sa pagkakatitig ko sa
krus na suot mo
tila nabalot ng isang
kapangyarihan na ikaw lamang
ang makapipigil

subalit di mo pinigilan.
pinapatay mo ko...

ambigat ng krus.

a venture to the unknown

what am i gonna say. i dont really have plans of bulging this BIG news. haha. a news that would really change my views about stupidity of life and love. again, i will be reborn to some sort of a flower. FRESH. BEAUTIFUL. now.. but later...

who knows, i'll again be trashed out into my old state. of being a garbage
waiting for the time that again, a Special.. (really?) would pick me up and rebuild me to be again the most beautiful flower to bloom.

so what am i trying to say?? corny eh.. pero secret! not now. but soon.

although the past hurt me, although i became a lunatic - almost killing myself, well, maybe its time for me to move on.

being hurt is not a reason for us to stop but rather a reason for us to be strong and continue.

journmey never ends. it keeps on rolling.

over crinkles and cookies

yeah right.. it is exactly 9:00 in the morning. still,i haventfound a chance to sleep. or rather, i don't feel like sleeping. i'm still bothered about last nyt. HE didn't call, maybe because he is tired (like what he was saying).

at around 1:30, the phone rang.. but then, biglang nawala. geez, di siya yun. ok... time to think and re think about things. kahit wag na yun. nakakaburaot.
i checked the barrel (meron sa bahay.. actually, wine cellar) and there! were cookies and crinkles. nyay! kanina, may crinkles na kong kinain. ok, so, papak na lang din.
while waiting, i'm trying to make some entries, poems, kung ano ano. but wala eh. parang napapangitan ako.

munch...munch..munch. until, poof. wala ng crinkles and chocolate chips.

caffeine.. again. this tym, its solid.
iam the famous cookie crinkle monster.

ALL APOLOGIES

"what else should i be??
ALL APOLOGIES..."

grrr... i hate myself today. mali ang ginawa ko. i hang up mr nice guy kanina. dahil nabwisit ako sa kanya. argghh.. bat ko ba ginawa yun. fuck rut. tanga!

i dont wanna put the blame on him, its my choice to hang the phone. kahit na biwsit pa ko, dapat nakontrol ko. now, look, lamig ng pawis mo. at sobrang ngarag ka na. shet...
kasi namn, i dont know where to draw the line between us. everytime i put it the way it is supposed to be, inuurong niya. kumbaga, i want it far... then he would put it near.
if you'd ask me, ok sa kin yun. pero di talga pwede.. on his part eh.

ang gulo ko.. that's all i can say. and he is affected. he is serious. but still, i dont care.
i dont care if he's hurt. basta, i rationalize things ok na..

darn, i'm just so fuckin selfish...
and that's what i'm apologizing for..
so mr. nice guy.. sorry talga..

*i know you won't read it today.. i mean at this very hour. i'll still wait for your call even if it would take years or maybe some awakening.. sabi mo, tatawag ka ng 12. i'll wait. basta. sorry..

CAFFEINATED

(tama ba spelling?)

i'm trying to stop myself from writing stupid stuff in this blog. but because i really dont have anything to do. well, please some considerations.. mr. nice guy is asleep so di ko siya makakausap.and wala namantalga siyang paki..

another mug of coffee..
seems like my brain si swimming in a pool of dark liquid.
gawd... i wana float/fly

the clouds are heavy but they still float
i wanna be htere. and see what i can get
i want to have a black cotton to wipe on my face

i want to color my face black.
like this mug of caffeinated liquid.

nice when served hot.

bastos ko ba??

kasi naman eh.. maraming nangyari ngayon. obvious naman sa blog ko eh. sobrang dami ng post. in just one day.. ilan yan? 4 or 5? fuck! ano ba itong hobby na to..

ewan ko nga eh. parang dalawang entries ko na yung baboy. hehe.. saya eh. parang kakaiba. para ibang image. di naman puro tweetums at diary at panawagan..
tama sabi ni felias, kelangan masubukan ang ibang varieties.
kunsabagay sex=love.. haha.. both are intertwined

ngayon, kung sinong naooffend.. the net is too big para dito ka sumiksik.
hehe.. alam kong wala namang kokontra eh! ryt?

just opening the wild side of me... pero wala naman dapat ikabahala.. i wont bite..

-"hipokrito ka kung wala kang libog... di ka tao"

ja --- call

see! i told you! tulog na nga siya... then why do u insist to call although you know na its impossible to contact him.. why do u always have the effort to ring his phone hoping that his there and also waiting for your call..

magising ka na.. he's not for you. and better stop that shit in your head.
may gf na ang tao.. sinabi na rin niya..
your doin effort kahit na wala nman dapat.

grrr. i just hated the fact that today HE didnt call. yesterday, he told me tatawag siya.. but after almost 3 hours ng kakahintay, no calls from him. tapos ngayon whole day.

the bastard.. and his gf.. yeah i know. possible

why is it that i'm still pressing myself in even if i'm better outside his picture.
calling would'nt make a diffrence..

better to be silent. use the phone for something much more better.
check the fuckin title... whore!

what else can you do with:

a gun:
*fire a madman
*fire a stray dog
*fire yourself... bang in the head
*punch holes in your roof
*do some war games
*a promote paece.lagyan ng tape ang barrel ng baril
*bang bang... baril brailan.. nsabi na

a bottle of valium:
*overdose
*i flush sa toilet for more drama
*stare.. kunwari may plano
*smell
*lagyan ng tae yung bottle pag ubos na ang laman
*ignore if you can.. try mo lalo na pag may problema

a girl:
*twirl her hairs... all her hairs
*insert what you've got to insert
*play (if that\s another thing for you)
*slap
*spit
*kiss
*hug
*embrace
*magpamasahe

haha.. ang negative ko ba... shit mejo lsing na ako eh.. gawd.. you know whta time is it?? hulaan niyo
sadyang binago ang oras ng di malamn ang saktong time ng pagkakagawa ng entry.. well. 1.5 red horse bottles palang to

so, what you think i can do with bottles of beer aside from dringking??
hehe.. lemme see..

kadiring entry.. wag niyo relate sa kin.. mukhang mababstos nga talga ako sa post na eto.. basta, wala akong magagawa.. walang mapasok sa utak ko..

"sometimes, i feel so very naughty.. tigre sa kama.. grrrr.."

STIMULATE THE MIND

i just masaturbated..
with those fingers goin in and out
moisture and heat seeping
i feel myself.. loving myself

because.... i dont have anyone

but myself to fulfill this
greed.. lust eats me up whole
well at least.
i found contentment under the
comfort of the bed
where my inner self resides

vivid images

that's what i'm seeing
doing the act discreetly
unable to defy the earthly things
that my body desires

i've left with nothing but images
of the past.. with the images of us.

geez, i felt myself cum.

CRAPPY THURSDAY

due to the weather, classes are AGAIN suspended.. ( di na siya nakaakatuwa..) honestly, i really wanna go to school, i hate to stay at home. ewan ko, i just hated the people there. pati yung food. pagkaing preso na ata. hay.. talk about crappy stuff at home.
anyways, plano ata bawiin baon ko for today kaya umalis na naman ako ng bahay. bumili ng iced coffe this time sa dunkin donuts at ayun here i go again.. surfin like there is no tomorrow. gumastos.. money burnin. parehas lang kung babawiin at di. pero at least nagamit. mamaaya, uwi na naman akong malungkot at magaaral ng buong madaling araw.

OO NGA PALA... WALA AKONG INET CARD SA BAHAY!
that's the reason why i cant get online. kaya pelyaz isang malaking pasensha.. and besides.. maraming kaabalahan (u know what i mean hehe).

try kong magpost.. seems like matagal tagal na kong walang post na matino.

HELP LANG

plano ko kasi na mag post sa peyups.com kaso ayaw daw nila due to abuse kaay temporarily closed ang membership. gusto ko sana maging member. di na mabilang kung ilang beses na ata akong nagpaparegister.paano bayun?? talaga bang sira?
help naman. o kaya gawan niyo ko ng membership dun. sabihin niyo na lang sa kin hehe.. tnx!

Setting: Alimall Food court
Color of the Day: Green, Red and Blue
Word of the Day: Athlete

Mga tumatakbo sa Isipan ni Lil Miss Gullible
--> walang magawa. Instead of staying at home, i decided to have a walk sa cubao. I ended up buying an iced coffee sa country style for a company... (hehe..)
-->andito ako sa fudcort. Doing nothing but looking around... sipping iced coffee, checking my phone for messages at shempre anbg makipagtinginan sa mga tao..

What am i seeing?
I see..

• girl in red alone staring blankly
• couple doing some PDA - talking (malamang mushy.. mukhang senti ung guy)
• another couple.. dead air between them
• old man taking a sip of softdrinks from a plastic cup labeled jollibee
• Bacolod Lechon Kawali
• Cebu Fiesta
• Jollibee
• Kamay kainan
• Piza hut
• Greenwich
• indoor playground with 4 children playing slides.. one child crying.. di ata kasali
• people surfing the net
• my converse wallet
• I SEE MYSELF ALONE.. pretending to be in dreamland with fairies and princes hehe

-->kunwari happy -- siguro

ang pangiut no? yung kunwari ikaw nakikita mo yung sarili mo na magisa tapos tinitingnan mo lang yung mga tao? kunsabagay.. a choose to be alone today. ano nga bang melodrama ang naiisip ko?

-Day dreaming... (what am i seeing ulit?)

I see........... HIM

*ruth is hallucinating malamang she needs a mediacal trestment. Could somebody help her?? Geez... Hate being alone..

WHOLESOME Mr. NICE GUY

its a rainy wednessday.. thank god! were supposed to have a group meeting for this video shoot. but then, because of the ulan, hihi.. na postpone.
so after receiving a text message from suzie telling me that the meeting was cancelled, i immediately dozed off. hehe. then after 2 hours, another text message woke me up mga 12 na ata nun. pakshit! we have a meeting sa phan (org stuff). i thought canceled din because of the weather and besides, pwede naman sa email.
so there. napilitan na akong gumising..
my mom, nung nalaman niya na aalis ako.. putsa nag ingay
"anak, WALA KANG DADAANAN at wala NAMANG PASOK... WALA KA NANG GINAWA KUNDI LUMAYAS"
ayun, nasira na araw ko. pero kebs(?) lang. umalis pa rin ako. ipapasa ko p kasi yung waiver form sa geog.

last nyt, patawa si mr. nice guy. napakageeky niya eh. pati rin ako...
eto mga napag usapan namin:
- pag sapsych out sa personality niya.
*ano daw bang personality niya?? yung nakikita ko raw sa kanya
ANG MGA SINABI KO:
*future oriented na walang effort (tama daw!)
*possible na pagkanagkaasawa siya, magiging verbally abusive siya. (tama din!)
(although nagkaroon kami ng unti arguments.. mejo turn off ako dun eh..)
*sa psychologist point of view: mejo di niya nafulfill ang kanyang
phallic stage.. basta ganun
wala na kng matandaaan ah.. pero marami yun..

- GENES (oo yung scientific stuffs)
*shinare ko sa kanya kung paano yung mga namamana.. plus the dominant and recessive craps.. kadiriba??

- GAY LINGGO
*mejo ang shitty kasi evrytime na may bagong words akong binabanggit like true, check, keri basta lahat ng kabaklaan, he uses it in a sentence kagad. patawa ba?? kadiri di bagay sa kanya.

so ayun.. naaliw ako kasi masaya yungmga napagusapan. pwede rin pala siya sa ganun

S.L.U.T.

talo admu kahapon! tsk! sayang talga! ano bang nangyari at naging ganun ang takbo ng mga pangyayari. bad trip pa kasi instead na upper A ang seat ko ayun at natapon ako sa gen ad. paano ba naman, si mr. nice guy late na dumating. tapos wala ng tickets sa mga boxes gen add na lang talaga. nag text si cousin kunin na lang daw niya yung upper A ticket ko. kunsabagay, mas kelangan niya yun kasi atenista naman talaga. samahan ko na lang si mr. nice guy sa gen add. according to him, mas gusto daw niya dun. ewan ko nga kung bakit eh.

pero kahit na talo, masaya kasi astig naman kasama ko eh. ambait talaga. and very sweet. did i say his sweet? hehe. nababakla na naman ako. basta, parang ang saya lang nung game kasi parang opposite sides kami. la salle daw bet niya tapos ako ateneo.

kwento ko na lang.. feel ko eh. wala na lang kokontra

so ayun na nga. nagmit kami. then punta na kami sa entrance ng gen ad. sama talaga ng loob ko. ayoko dun. malagkit pero sige na nga. kesa wag ng panoorin.
(mr. nice guy, umaangal sa background. bumubulog pero naririnig ko naman..)
mr. nice guy: ang corny naman nito... (pabulong)
ako: ano??
mr. nice guy: wala.
ako: bala ka!

so yun.. akyat na kami. parehas pa talaga kaming nakajacket. nilalamig kami. ayokong hiramin jacket niya no. baka maarbor ko lang eh. oo nga yung violet yung dala niya.. may naalala ba kayo?
so, nagsettle kami sa may la salle side. actually, pinipilit ko na sa ateneo na lang. kaso mukhang maganda daw ang view dun eh. ok sige, pagbigyan. minsan lang naman sumama eh. pero kahit na andun ajko sa baluarte ng dlsu, i don't care. cheer pa rin sa admu. go! fight ang boses ko.. pati litid lumalabas na. full power! basta after ilang mins. aya si mr. nice guy na lumipat na lang sa ateneo. ewan ko kung bakit. siguro nahihiya dahil ang ingay ingay ko sa side ng lasalle. pa cheer cheer pa ng ateneo. ok astig. at last napagbigyan na ako. yahoo!

pagdating dun sa ateneo side. ayun cheer pa rin. isama mo na ang mga nakaw na tingin sa battalion ng ateneo na nagmomorph kakahiyaw. in feyrnez, ang gwapo talaga.

(score is 15-44 in favor of lasalle. mr. nice guy, umiiling..)
mr. nice guy: ano ba yan. tingan mo nga yung score tambak!
ako: hindi kaya pa yan!
mr. nice guy: kung alam ko lang sana di na ako sumama.
ako: ang yabang mo

hehe.. sa totoo lang totoo naman eh. di ba? di na lang manahimik. ok sige. baka naghahanap lang ng mapaguusapan at unfortunately, yun na lang ang ginawa niya para makareact ako.
basta 3rd quarter mejo bumawi ang admu.. pero in the end, talo din.

yun lang.. what else can i say.. uhmmm....


wala! the rest of the evening.. i dunno.. mejo ang crappy ko eh. la lang. nothing important. i felt like i've hurt a person eh. basta.. instead na matuwa ako sa ginawa ko (nakontrol ko kasi.. hihi) sa totoo lang, hindi. ang panget talaga. grr... kainis.

mr. nice guy... may sumapi sa akin na anghel.. hindi po ako yun. i'm talking about the event after the game... sorry

paano kaya ako babawi? hay! bala na.

RUMMAGE

pagod talga ako. walang silbi yung vitamin na ininom ko kanina. so kelangan ko na nga uminom nung pharmanex na nirereseta sa kin nila kaye sa nu skin. sobrang lagkit talga. sinabay kasi ang init sa pagbebenta namin. nakakapagod talga. tapos ito pang mga bumibili sobrang barat ng mga presyo nila sa mga damit. sobrang bagsak na nga, tatawaran pa!

parang kelan lang. may sa kit ako. tapos ngayon may sakit ulit. natatapat ata everytime na nagikita kami ni mr. nice guy... (remember nung joyride?) tapos ngayon eto. may sipon na naman ako with iyakin eyes.

wish ko lang gumaling na ko completely. ang hirap paikutin ng ulo mo kung san bang pwesto pwede huminga ng maluwag.

gudlaak sa ateneo bukas pati sa UP
Let's go UP!

bothered ako

kagabi nagaway kami ni joseph dusaban fabila.. nabuo ko na yung name niya kasi parang di siya. kaya mas preferred ko siyangtawagan ng ganyan. di kami close for today at hanggang kelan. ewan.
paano ba naman kasi, biglang nagalit nung naisip kong ibaba yung phone. ang alam ko kasi ganun na talaga ang takbo ng phone conversations namin. bigla ko kasing binaba ng wala na kaming mapag usapan. nagulat ata. kahit anong sori ko tuloy ayaw niyang tanggapin.
basta ginawa ko ng mag sori. ngayon kung lecheng pride na naman yan, wala na kong maggagawa. di ko na issue yan.

bsta sori ulit. tsk.

HABIT

tonight,
i shall wash the city off my face and
wipe its
towers away

i will take off my clothes besmirched
by teh reproving eyes of the world

and naked,i shall comb my hair
dreadlocked
by careless urban fiddling

then,
i will put on my robe of innocnece
and become again what i am in
mornings -

a mystery that will be later on
unlocked.