christmas was meager

though our house was fashioned to look a little of being celebrative and cheery- few decors were put up and we hadn't have the usual tree, it wasn't that bad.

even if:
* i only received one gift - not from parents.. but from some kaexchange
* 1 greeting thru text
* 1 greeting thru phone
* the last two came from one person (thnks fabs)


still it wasn't that bad...

i did get even later in the day:
*spending it with few relatives
*videoke straight from afternoon till evening
*LAMOOOON (yep)
*lick from mindy and a snob from chinggay
*went to the fort and was unfortunate as we end up "cutoffed" from krispy kreme line, gonuts instead
*kuya javi winning the freethrow challenge and won chinggoy (the unggoy stuffed toy)
*having felt his fulfillment- priceless!

*and just being plainly satisfied with how everything was as the whole day ended.

still... christmas was fun regardless of it being meager.

on the rocks

im betting my ass on this... im closer again to single hood if this still persists.

aint doing any better with him for the last couple of months. and im darn hating it.

enough on concerns

do what you please. SKIES THE LIMIT. i dont mind you crossing the borders or chasing death. i've had too much burden on worrying even if to no avail. i won't care on anything that will concern you.
i'm letting you be.

and i'm letting myself out.

PSYCHIATRIC CLEARANCE
i never did anything right. i'm in no proper order-- the most positive i can get does not sit perfectly to what i'm planning ahead; the most negative, has been presumed to be bound by aggressive tendencies..

what i thought was a normal release of sadness, is a predisposition to what he says--- DEPRESSION.
i say, i'm bound to med school; he says i'm not.
and the paper tells otherwise.

muscle man

happy house
nothing beats a sem starter. doing it the mona way!

ENTHUSIASM IN QUESTION

my first day hit a piece of my brain a while ago with a question that i forced myself to think over... and over...

am i still enthusiastic and as determined to pursue a medicine career?

i may seem to be a conformist. but after almost 4 years, i'm almost completely spaced out from what my initial plans are. if before i'm proud to tell everyone that i'd be pursuing my medicine studies, im shrinking myself to a couch head and trying to think it over. im now opting for a year off after grad and decide. or maybe to be like a bummer and wait for graces.
is it that im just fixated from my childhood dreams of being clad in white and operating a thousand carcasses? or i just love the morbidity of being in service of others??

err.. my public service inclination is still a big question mark.

three some
plain. clean. fun.
*

IT IS THINSPIRING NO MORE

i'm grateful to have a handful of friends who are in silent mumbling for the past few days when my thinspiring photo at frinedster was publicized. even if i look like my last muscle was already been converted for glycoligenic consumption, rest assured that im in tight shape--- i still have my bones for a frame and my skins are up for a good cover.

so far, my "fitness" is being put to stress by flu and head ache of all sorts. i only ate a chicken the night before then the next day i found myself unable to stand and walk for movement sake.
the last thing i know, my tongue grew out to be a bittergourd, and has spared me to eat for two consecutive meals. please, no more finger pointing if you think i look a lot lot worse.

intoxicated
yes, at you. ur last kiss left me all purple.

yet, im asking for more.
blow me up. a big bubble.
let me pop

dysfunx tagboard

pls send your messages thru email instead. this hassle will still take at most 2 months.. thanks

switchfoot


it was a cruel way to start the month with some forgetfulness. especially, if you are expecting something that would remind you that your'e special....
but as surprises and gifts are naturally "unexpected", i think it would rather be better to relieve oneself of anticipations- i'm getting all focused on my peripheries,that i almost bumped myself on the wall. afterall, it must be the front that must be bothered about the most.

18 more days.. before i'll finally switch back to peripheries. this time no more guilts.

who steers the wheel

i would like to think of our case a split brained one. and if only a chimeric figures test is possible, i will be the very first to confirm that my side is not the dominating one.

but i am very much willing to adjust the floors. just give me all the time and patience you have, if still, there are.

clueless

after i have spent-slash passed the time with.....

i ended up drenched in sweat and rain
even got a sore foot

the worst, it wasn't appreciated.

snapshots @ the game
pix courtesy of mona


dyan,mona and moi

with boom boy
sana UP din
with mona the koreana

kudos to san beda

before anything else, pls scrap in mind what i have posted for the past weeks. all is well (again).

anyhoo, i was out with bry and some bedan friends. naki school spirit ako sa iba. haha...
although i dont like red as a school color, it looks better on bedans. (sa bedans lang). the game was a tight one in the last seconds of the final quarter after aljamal managed to rebound the ball and kept stuck on it for even a few seconds. and so, madrama ang finale, since it was only a 1 pt lead. buti na lang at may kapit ang kamay ni aljamal! (like ko na siya, and also the one who fired a 3 point shot na almost half court ang layo--- shempre, i love bry better).

*i'm looking forward to the ateneo-uste game.
and since, ayaw ko sa uste,
GO ATENEO!!!

simple analogy

if you're life's a bitch, and iam your "life"
then
i am your bitch.

yes, im a bitch.

GINUMAN!! 5 SHOTS FOR PURP

sorry

words are not enough to express how painful it is to let go. in fact, as i'm writing this whole thing, i can't help but take deep sighs to release the tension building up inside. i know that iam not the perfect person for you,
and yet i keep on trying countless number of times to show you how much am i willing to give. but it seems like it doesn't make you any happier. i thought that you could be the person to understand since you have traced me entirely from the very start.probably you were right most of the time. you have a number of points to raise for my lack of inconsiderations. but isnt it just fair to broaden your horizons and give me a fair share of your understanding? or i just couldnt make up for the demands and have touched the last nerve of your patience. whatever the case is, i have fought my whole life on this, i have adjusted, even tightened up to the last hole of my belt. but that doesn't mean that i have perfected myself that there is no room left enough for flaws. and for this last moment that we've been together, this shallow imperfection has led me to a realization that for such a long time i kept on suppressing. i can no longer tolerate the discipline im putting myself into. i have drained my resources and can't afford to invest the remaining percent i have left. sorry.

one day

.... when i get used to things, everything would just all be gone.
promise

the hell with monday-holiday drizzles

blame the mothball fumes for making me sick since thursday. i was busy digging in salvation army's refuse of clothes and bags that i wasn't able to notice that i have inhaled air borne protists and other micro specimens. the next day, was unfortunate as well to even get my fingers in deep trouble. think about fuming sulfuric acid + tollen's reagent. woohoo.. double double whammy. swear, it left a chocolatey rich mark with stings to match. pakshet. there was no actual first aid, since i discovered it at home already and my mom insisted on putting petroleum jelly all over, i on the other hand would like to try on acetone to erase the mess. but she won't let me- fearing about the possible reaction of another chemical would blow my fingers away (read: ignition-reaction theory of matter).

fast forwarded, saturdays and sundays didnt do well. the shearing pain in my throat and my runny nose set me early to bed for 2 straight nights. and my medications/ fruit juices/ lozenges won't do me any good. except that it facilitates disruption of circadian cycles and inhibits activation of my reticular system. in short, my anticipation of a hassle free monday holiday is nothing but jammed traffics on books and handouts. spare me from the "headaches". well, i hope.

sojourns and hormonal spurts

Spilling the beans just to free myself from impediments would entirely be a no win case as it would complicate matters. However, I opt to do so for no apparent reason. Probably, my tongue’s sting is too much to handle than the notoriety of becoming the next walking headline to be talked over a cup of coffee. The past few weeks were completely occupied by frequent toilet trips, vertigo experiences, number counting- yes, forwards and backwards (checking on the double if I got my computations right, whether I have landed on the wrong date or on the not so wrong dates) and hoarding every drop of possible justification for my crisis.
What if the answers lie in those morsels of white stuck bwn my digits? Or could it be that divine intervention blastula implantation achievable?

tête-à-tête to banter

For somebody, very much interested in the mechanism of a concerted conversation, one thing keeps popping out of my head: is it a necessity to drag a "wage war movement"
whenever there is a rotting existence of silence? OR to induce spontaneity, brings along a pseudo topic that you can call an argument just to break the muted gap?
I really would like to appreciate the effort of your call, but on every occasion I RESPOND ACCORDINGLY on it, you always respond as if I am wide of the mark. Besides, if I am to defend myself, would just pile up my cons as a partner- since we never did have the same wavelength (and if ever, is a rare case). The question of why's and how's of my temperament is not the remedy to make me cognizant of my flaws. Yes, I do so admit. That to be able to stretch the dawning conclusion of this understanding, you talk of you becoming a martyr as if that is the only medication left for the recurring cancer of our conversations. At the same time, you keep on pointing me a finger that it's me who's keeping this mess up.
Finishing off the discourse early is not a negative means of prolonging this fight. But apparently, you have superimposed yet another meaning for my untimely resignment. The following day, that I felt at least ok, you slap me once again- as if I've done it all again. What do you want me to do? I have just tried all the possibilities.
Plus factor: I so thought you are to go out for errands, how come it's not the way things turned out today. As if it's a big deal to ask what your errand is that you're hiding it like a surreptitious act. And what a sudden plan of going out with family? I so thought your Saturdays are free.

when poverty strikes

its hard to imagine how. as soon as everything had fallen into place, the majority took their initial reactions as if we-will-be-on-this-till the-end. later in the day, you came to see them at ogle pointe blank; and for an act of concern, you suggest that a white flag is a must. its not enough that motivation is fired only by hopes and prayers. a 20-80 probability on the cons side is as much as necessary for a gamble.

i understand how exasperating it is. but nobody can fight an invisible/ perennial foe.

closet gays

isang uboderang sinungaling

may katulong kami na ang pangalan ay "beng" at sa di malamang dahilan, hindi namin mabuo ang kanyang totoong pangalan. kung di lang dahil sa papel de agencia na nakita sa drawer niya matapos siyang lumayas/ pinalayas, malamang she will be remembered as the certain "beng" as mom would have put it.

its a june 12 when she marked our calendars- immediate goodbye; na ginawan niya ng isang malakomedyang exit/ maladrama sa parte niya (maaksyon pa nga). a fight na almost "killing spree" na ang datign kung di pa naawat, sent her back home. and during the discussion "beng" told dad na kinakanti daw siya ng isang tibo (def.: inaasar). and this time it rose her temper. what started the fight was when this tomboy aka marlin, suddenly rushed for her inside the house. which she explained why she hurried home and look for some sort of weapon (read: pangsafeguard).
its mostly a verbal fight, in "beng's" part- panakot lang naman ang jack sa kamay at puro mura ang ginawa. marlin, on the other hand went out after she realized na pwede siyang makasuhan ng trespassing.
dad tried to pacify "beng's" anger for an hour and a half. at ang makapal na mukhang katulong, napaka OA na talga that she even kicked the car every time she felt that it would be the best moment to match with her cries. pinauwi siya ng crame asap, sabi ni tito, mainit na dugo ng kapitbahay sa kanya. kinailangan ng baranggay tanod para makumbinsi na umuwi na. at katulad ni mcarthur, she uttered: "babalikan ko siya..." - mga huling salita bago sumibat.

what made her the uboderang sinungaling?
- the fight between her and the tomboy ay dahil sa nabuking siya (bilang katulong) ng nagpakilala siya sa isang girl sa tapat ng bahay namin na may-ari ng bahay namin.... (kapal)
- when we're out of town, she once told some neighbors that she was dad's cousin.
- at ang pakilala niya sa counter boy sa mercury: nagwowork daw siya sa call center. (yan talga ang panalo- mukha pa lang di na papasa)
* im not judgemental, nor superficial. but she's just too much. aside from the fact that she's so comfortable inside the house she even tries to meddle in family affairs; had asked my brothers to work in the dishes whenever dad's away; and was always out- para dumaldal.

that's where my mom's pay for her go.

sana di bigo

iam a senior psych student with plans of going med. but as of the present moment a medicine dream seems to be shifting away from the way things are turning out: a mediocre mark from compara anat, mama leaving, and plus plus debits (this is where the privys come in).
for a parent under tights, will he be willing to pay a little over a million, wait for another half a decade just to see his daughter gleaming and getting ready for her 1st operation?

that i think won't do. (hoping that my hopes wont fall)

a month's hardwork, only equals a seat of mediocrity. and even if i have plucked and burned my eyebrows, its the only seat available. i always wonder how come those night stretches didn't span my success mark. and when will my efforts reach the fullest of the fullest?

summer really is a suspense thriller.

calle katorse

UNION

two in between eight equals equals equals
is multiplied by
parenthesis parenthesis parenthesis one (and only one) parenthesis parenthesis
parenthesis
means a bundle of challenges, joy and naught.

mathematically wrong but practically right.

slumber
recently, was out to study. ended up as a sober. totally wasted that is.
just another night of excuses.

*whoever played my camera was a total jerk.

badly needing a hug

and so you thought you're lucky you got a brain;
for 2 straight days of continuously memorizing the muscles, you see hope for a final exam exemption. you keep doin the rituals to keep you standing firm. and yet when the time has arrived, and you have called the gods, it did no good. that brain you've been relying with has totally failed.

and even if you have shifted to a different chapter of body system, you still cant move on. absent mindedly tearing that greater omassum to pieces and breaking the cat's jaws doesnt satisfy you to the bone. how come?

still keeping fingers crossed for exam results tomorrow.

how can you possibly write about a person you've loved for almost a year and a half? i can always say that he's one of the greatest person that has come in. i always ask if he's a product of time or just got my luck?i can also bombard the screen with cliched adjectives like he's the most loving, caring, generous, patient - anything that'd make him sound like the perfect boyfriend - and still accomplish nothing except maybe for sounding like a friendster testimonial gone horribly wrong. how can you possibly write about a person whose smallest, most insignificant details - like how he has got his scar on his chin, or how he throws jabs when angry or how his jaw drops when he sleeps - fascinate the life out of you? seriously, with only a thousand letters, how can you write about such a person? i honestly do not know.

its probably time whose gonna fill these all up.

shadow

past the crevices
and nearing the looming emptiness
never looking back
heart running faster than
your limbs do

pay a million times grand
for your life's insurance
a twin for your reserve-
with matching imprints
from thumb to basic strings

finite to infinity
where everything is
programable
back to zero

all attempts
doesnt pay
think you have outsmarted death?

fantasy. fallacy

narcissus

the summer solstice tragedy: when narcissus dipped into the water and has coveted thine self, selfish thinking has led to his end

how suicidal.

yet his flowers bloom. for millions grace his tragedy stripping naked, plus the drools and sweat. drag theirsselves into the waters and love its reflection.

such is the beauty.

@migs
yup there is.. (i think). but not in the sort of "on the rocks".

to avoid boat "rockin" its a 2 week rest.
god has rested on the 7th day, maybe ours need one too.

and migs- sobrang magiging busy talga ako for the next couple of weeks.
pwede na bang excuse yun?

nasty

there will always be pepo-le perv roundin the corner
with a click of the shutter, you might lose that privacy of yours
and theirs, a thousand gains

makeitclear

if life is a piece of boredom
then........shit- pee, shit- pee
round as
circle it goes

cut loops of and press brakes
or

try centrifuge- see the layers
afterall

its not always shit and pee

Ha? ako ba to?
i dont think so
--------------------------------------------------------------------

You scored as Mathematics. You should be a Math major! Like Pythagoras, you are analytical, rational, and when are always ready to tackle the problem head-on! Mathematics 92% English 92% Biology 92% Linguistics 75% Engineering 75% Philosophy 75% Psychology 75% Theater 67% Journalism 58% Art 50% Sociology 50% Dance 42% Chemistry 42% Anthropology 33% What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3) created with QuizFarm.com

outline

early summer getaway at zambales. sun had painted my limbs red. now suffering from sunburns.




*photo from l-r: helicopter island, a shot at the beach, me and daniel

311

it doesn't matter if you haven;t visited the showers. the old smell of your socks plus plus pheromones will surely be a key to lock some one else's chemoreceptors. and even if you have made some drama to resist the upcoming dread of being boxed again, its always a haunt.
a 400+ -- fast forwarded, sensuous crap and i love you's.
everyones a high.
for even the good deed of yours sometimes pay. and whatever it is, the one thing that will matter is that the grease seeps deep. your blood follows in the morning.
a blessed sign (?)

wacky!!!

sunday has never been a laughtrip. rj went with me to church!!! whoohooo!!! very unlikely. some shots. :)

*but he never seem to notice*

crippled

a glimpse of the past is cycling in the present.
3 cups of diluted caffeine equals an afternoon of palpitations.
an internal time machine has shifted me to the past.
i felt his weak ego projections..

i already killed him. in my dreams....
sad love story

- end of story -

kalyo kalyong paa

unang beses ko lang maglakad paikot ng mendiola. prusisyon na di ako kabilang. pumapel lang ako at nakieksena. pumasok sa bakod ng iba, ngunit hindi naman trumespass- salamat sa maagap na paghawak sa aking kamay at pagbibigay sa akin ng entrance ticket.
ang paghawak rin na iyon ang nagdala at nagikot sa akin paikot ng kalsada.

isang matalinhagang kwento ang prusisyon sa mendiola noong linggo. isang daang dasal at higit pa ang inalay kay sto. nino. isang hatak sa palad.

2 mahigpit na hawak.

few sips are fine

the moment you let your finger go, its just a matter of time before your whole body'll follow. and looking at the hourglass you just set in, the time's already over. someone has already fed on you. its a helpless case.
but on the contrary, [i am loving the idea that somebody has fed on me]

*this doesn't mean danger right?*

mouthfuls

isnt it tempting to eat a gallon of ice cream after that hhhhoooottttt friday evening? i am damn burning. a stick to swath then go. geez..

black eye is just a piece of cake

with things all piled up, black eyes do come in handy:
1.) lets you have an unquestioned excuse
2.) sorrow could be that superficial
3.) paint the world with that color on

plus plus! you dont get that market value to sell that burnt out face.

"sometimes you'll come to that point of empty handedness. with your mind driftin asea. and your stuffing the air as if panting. without exactly any cause at all."

shedding tears

i'll miss 2616...
the corner, the stained sheets, the sunsets, the cafe.

if not for the spoiler, the happy story wont actually end this fast. wishing the worst for him.
yesterday, i went with bry to check another place. not an outsider friendly.

*sob*

chasing pain away

good thing that my tooth cooperated. the idea of a dentist must have eased the pain away. the only thng to mind about is if it would last for tomorrow, the day after tomorrow... till eternity.

*sigh* i hope so.
p.s. bry's a little sicky today. bad bad bad.

it doesnt get any better. my molar hurts soooo bad. my mom told me that if the swelling continues even with medication, i hafta go and let the dentist check me up. i got a dentist phobia when the dentist started to drill holes in my molar a couple of years ago. it was actually an unfinished business since after the "drilling" he told me to visit him the next week. funny cauise until now (2 years later), im still avoiding "the clinic".

going back, after my mom told me about seeing the dentist, i immediately crossed fingers and say my prayers. (this unlikely happens).
if only pain channelling happens, then probably, its now the computer who'll be shitting the pain away.

gums

i got pain pangs 3 days ago near my parotid. at first it was tolerable but then after 2 days, it sorta grow into a humongous pain. and i ended sitting muted. im helpless as my right jaw grows bigger and bigger.

the swelling of my gum was the culprit.

my dormant wisdom tooth is again active. my jaws are painful. and i could only open my mouth 2 fingers wide. when eating, i have to stuff food in. geez.
i already popped a couple of pain relievers tonite.
still no good.